Jokes That Will Leave You in Tears of Laughter 07

1.



A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked

2.



A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.
So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, “Pardon me, but I’d like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?”
The waiter said, “I don’t know. I go into kitchen and ask manager.”
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes.
He explained to the man, “No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.”
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
The Queen and Dolly Parton die

3.



A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel his wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again, I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.
She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck.
“I want a house.” She says insistently up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too.”
She continues 65mph and, she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle

4.



A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”
A guy walks into the human resources department
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday

5.



One evening this man drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, “What the hell is that?”
The guy next to him answers, “He’s a pianist!”
The drunk replied, “Horse shit, your pulling my leg.”
So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano.
Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks, “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?”
The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk says, “I wish for a million bucks”.
All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, “You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.”
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, “You don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”
Very Simple Operation
A Midwest farmer was describing

6.



For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor

7.



Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.”
“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
A wife went to the police station
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital

8.



Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favour: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moishe’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of holes through the carpenter’s coat “And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber “No more holes I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe “Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once upon a time an old man
A certain Rabbi

9.



So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends

10.



A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small

11.



One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension
Yesterday someone stole my purse
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope
Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
“PS – there was $4 missing
I think it must have been those thieving scoundrels at the Post Office!”
The snow in a one-horse open sleigh
A squirrel

12.



At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

13.



One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”
Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That’s right I did say that, I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going!”
Two men were marooned on an Island
The Diaries Of A Married Couple

14.



A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying

15.



A boy decides to learn the language of all animals.
Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals.
Please, give me money to go there and study.
Fathers agree and give him money.
After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills.
Son, did you learn the language?
Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 liters of milk.
That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a liter.
Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 liters of milk.
Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence.
Do you hear that hen? She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now.
That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before.
Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid.
Dad is confused but starts to believe his son.
The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.
Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.
A man was in hurry to catch a train
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs

16.



Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar

17.



A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…
“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”
A blonde goes into a nearby store
A young woman went to her doctor

18.



A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good.
They got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me.”
Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
A man is playing with a stray dog
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single

19.



A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women

20.



A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief

21.



A blonde’s car gets a flat Tyre on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers…
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer…
“Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
A teenager has a crush on a girl

22.



A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down

23.



A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.
At the first house, the owner said, “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
“$50” she replies.
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.
The man’s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.
“She should. She was standing on it”
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’ve finished already?” the man asked.
“Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats.”
Impressed the man reaches for the money.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a porch. It’s a Lexus.”
A man walked into the bar
A wife went to the police station

24.



I recall my first time with a protection.
I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of protections at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the protection on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her undergarment and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that protection on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
After returning from his honeymoon
A family goes to the zoo

25.



This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known

26.



A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar

27.



Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.
After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.
“Johnny”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”
So six-year-old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.
“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.
“How is she?”, repeated Johnny.
“I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch

28.



A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for

29.



Following a vow of silence, none of the monks were allowed to speak at all.
But there was one exception to this rule every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.
After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk.
“It has been ten years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Bed… hard…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office.
“It has been ten more years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Food… awful…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these ten years?”
The priest asks a little Joey
A Samurai who was known

30.



“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest