1.
Mr. Dwight was conducting a lecture on the proper use of punctuation marks.
To ensure that his students have effectively learned a thing or two from his lessons, he conducted a brief exercise for them.
He went to the blackboard and wrote, “Woman without her man is useless”.
He called on two students a boy and a girl to place the proper punctuation’s in the given phrase.
To his amusement, the two had different answers.
The boy wrote, “Woman, without her man, is useless”.
Whereas, the girl wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is useless.”
She asks a man standing by
Three rich men were boasting
Mr. Dwight was conducting a lecture on the proper use of punctuation marks.
To ensure that his students have effectively learned a thing or two from his lessons, he conducted a brief exercise for them.
He went to the blackboard and wrote, “Woman without her man is useless”.
He called on two students a boy and a girl to place the proper punctuation’s in the given phrase.
To his amusement, the two had different answers.
The boy wrote, “Woman, without her man, is useless”.
Whereas, the girl wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is useless.”
She asks a man standing by
Three rich men were boasting
2.
![Funny Jokes]()
Three guys are sitting around the campfire…
…exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was,
he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me,
I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”
“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.
“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”
The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”
He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Ted was a young boy
Three guys are sitting around the campfire…
…exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was,
he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me,
I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”
“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.
“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”
The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”
He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Ted was a young boy
3.
![Funny Jokes]()
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
4.
![Funny Jokes]()
Thai woman marries American man but she cannot speak English and he almost cannot speak Thai.
Somehow they make arrangement she will join English speaking class which is known for being highly effective for Thai people.
The very next day the Thai wife is sitting at home after her first class.
The American husband walks in and suddenly his wife says without an accent:
Hi, darling! Welcome home.
Hi, sweetheart! Oh, that’s a miracle! I am really glad you can now speak English! I did not expect you would learn it so fast!
Yes, I am really happy too. How was your day, darling?
Well, I am really tired!
Okay… Rest in peace!
A woman goes into a toy shop
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
Thai woman marries American man but she cannot speak English and he almost cannot speak Thai.
Somehow they make arrangement she will join English speaking class which is known for being highly effective for Thai people.
The very next day the Thai wife is sitting at home after her first class.
The American husband walks in and suddenly his wife says without an accent:
Hi, darling! Welcome home.
Hi, sweetheart! Oh, that’s a miracle! I am really glad you can now speak English! I did not expect you would learn it so fast!
Yes, I am really happy too. How was your day, darling?
Well, I am really tired!
Okay… Rest in peace!
A woman goes into a toy shop
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
5.
![Funny Jokes]()
A kid asks his father “Dad whats politics?”
“Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of you and your needs, so we’ll call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?”
“I’m not sure, Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
Late that night, the boy’s sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother.
He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper.
He went to his parents’ room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn’t hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father.
“Dad I now think I understand what politics is.”
“Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words.”
“Well Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
A kid asks his father “Dad whats politics?”
“Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of you and your needs, so we’ll call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?”
“I’m not sure, Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
Late that night, the boy’s sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother.
He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper.
He went to his parents’ room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn’t hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father.
“Dad I now think I understand what politics is.”
“Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words.”
“Well Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
6.
![Funny Jokes]()
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
7.
![Funny Jokes]()
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
8.
![Funny Jokes]()
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife.
She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!
Two blondes were driving along a road
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife.
She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!
Two blondes were driving along a road
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
9.
![Funny Jokes]()
Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother.
Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
A hot air balloon
Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother.
Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
A hot air balloon
10.
![Funny Jokes]()
There are 3 girls on a island.
They are blond, brunette and a black haired.
After 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says, “Go home already. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisely.
The brunette says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The black says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The the blonde says “i want my friends back!”
A little girl that didn’t know
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
There are 3 girls on a island.
They are blond, brunette and a black haired.
After 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says, “Go home already. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisely.
The brunette says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The black says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The the blonde says “i want my friends back!”
A little girl that didn’t know
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
11.
![Funny Jokes]()
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover.
“And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets.
“It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being undressed, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the undressed?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air.
“It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.
“Do you always wear a protection when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”
A father and his son go grocery store
A woman was in bed with her lover
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover.
“And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets.
“It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being undressed, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the undressed?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air.
“It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.
“Do you always wear a protection when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”
A father and his son go grocery store
A woman was in bed with her lover
12.
![Funny Jokes]()
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
13.
![Funny Jokes]()
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
14.
![Funny Jokes]()
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money.
The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: “How can I help you madam?”
She Old Lady: “I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.”
He: “How much money do you like to deposit?”
She: “$180,000 Please.” Started dumping the whole amount on his table.
The bank president was a bit surprised.
“How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!”
She: “Oh, it’s nothing illegal. I make bets.”
He: “What kind of bets?”
She: “For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I’m right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I’ll pay you $10,000!”
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he’s a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: “Okay then, I’ll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don’t try to dodge the bet! No regrets!”
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn’t even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn’t sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: “Can I check your hands now Sir?”
He: “Yes. Go ahead.”
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer’s strange behaviour.
Lawyer: “She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can’t believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!”
A married man affair with his secretary
George goes to the doctor
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money.
The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: “How can I help you madam?”
She Old Lady: “I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.”
He: “How much money do you like to deposit?”
She: “$180,000 Please.” Started dumping the whole amount on his table.
The bank president was a bit surprised.
“How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!”
She: “Oh, it’s nothing illegal. I make bets.”
He: “What kind of bets?”
She: “For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I’m right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I’ll pay you $10,000!”
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he’s a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: “Okay then, I’ll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don’t try to dodge the bet! No regrets!”
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn’t even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn’t sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: “Can I check your hands now Sir?”
He: “Yes. Go ahead.”
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer’s strange behaviour.
Lawyer: “She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can’t believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!”
A married man affair with his secretary
George goes to the doctor
15.
![Funny Jokes]()
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
16.
![Funny Jokes]()
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local night house.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”
“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a night house where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”
“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
Three old men are discussing
A guy dials his home phone from work
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local night house.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”
“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a night house where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”
“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
Three old men are discussing
A guy dials his home phone from work
17.
![Funny Jokes]()
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her, I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.
The pharmacist is now horrified.
She said, “I can not possibly give you that.
It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!”
At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having bed time with the pharmacist’s husband.
She examines it then looks up at him.
“Oh. I didn’t know you had a prescription.”
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
A guy meet his friends for drink
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her, I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.
The pharmacist is now horrified.
She said, “I can not possibly give you that.
It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!”
At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having bed time with the pharmacist’s husband.
She examines it then looks up at him.
“Oh. I didn’t know you had a prescription.”
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
A guy meet his friends for drink
18.
![Funny Jokes]()
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble
19.
![Funny Jokes]()
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
20.
![Funny Jokes]()
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good!
Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great!
And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
A doctor says to his patient
A man is skydiving enjoying
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good!
Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great!
And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
A doctor says to his patient
A man is skydiving enjoying
21.
![Funny Jokes]()
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me rubber pack please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”
The Pharmacist gives him the rubber pack but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another rubber pack because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”
The Pharmacist gives him another rubber pack and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in.
Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”
A young man excitedly tells his mother
Johnny runs to his dad and says
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me rubber pack please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”
The Pharmacist gives him the rubber pack but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another rubber pack because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”
The Pharmacist gives him another rubber pack and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in.
Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”
A young man excitedly tells his mother
Johnny runs to his dad and says
22.
![Funny Jokes]()
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
23.
![Funny Jokes]()
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
24.
![Funny Jokes]()
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parent’s room.
When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad, “Hey Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards”.
Little Johnny asked, “Whose your partner?”
The dad answered, “Your mom”.
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room.
Again, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his sister, “Hey Sis, what are you doing?”
The sister answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Whose your partner?”
She answered, “My boyfriend.”
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom naturally.
As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his son, “What are you doing?”
Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.”
The Dad asked, “Really? Whose your partner?”
Little Johnny answered, “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.”
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
A old Italian couple is walking
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parent’s room.
When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad, “Hey Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards”.
Little Johnny asked, “Whose your partner?”
The dad answered, “Your mom”.
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room.
Again, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his sister, “Hey Sis, what are you doing?”
The sister answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Whose your partner?”
She answered, “My boyfriend.”
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom naturally.
As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his son, “What are you doing?”
Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.”
The Dad asked, “Really? Whose your partner?”
Little Johnny answered, “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.”
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
A old Italian couple is walking
25.
![Funny Jokes]()
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch.
He’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
The baker decided to weigh the butter
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch.
He’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
The baker decided to weigh the butter
26.
![Funny Jokes]()
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
27.
![Funny Jokes]()
This is Awesome, One smart father goes to his son.
Father: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”
Next – Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice – presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case… ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.
But your attitude should be positive. Think Positive.
A husband got a message from his neighbour
There was once a mysterious man
This is Awesome, One smart father goes to his son.
Father: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”
Next – Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice – presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case… ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.
But your attitude should be positive. Think Positive.
A husband got a message from his neighbour
There was once a mysterious man
28.
![Funny Jokes]()
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.
One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”
The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”
The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.
The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.
They see a hot dog cart and head right over.
As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,
“So what part of the dog did you get?”
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.
One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”
The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”
The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.
The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.
They see a hot dog cart and head right over.
As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,
“So what part of the dog did you get?”
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
29.
![Funny Jokes]()
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
30.
![Funny Jokes]()
There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.
Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.
She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.
In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.
The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.
She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,
“Do you like it? Do you like it?
The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.
Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”
Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.
A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.
After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.
To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.
There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.
She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;
“Do you like it? Do you like it?”
“The parrot looks the perch over and says, dripping with sarcasm “nice f…n’ perch”.
WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.
“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.
She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.
An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.
Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,
“One question; what the f…$ did the chicken do?”
A little old lady was walking street
A guy calls a company and orders
There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.
Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.
She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.
In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.
The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.
She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,
“Do you like it? Do you like it?
The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.
Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”
Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.
A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.
After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.
To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.
There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.
She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;
“Do you like it? Do you like it?”
“The parrot looks the perch over and says, dripping with sarcasm “nice f…n’ perch”.
WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.
“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.
She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.
An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.
Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,
“One question; what the f…$ did the chicken do?”
A little old lady was walking street
A guy calls a company and orders
Tags:
Eng Jokes
