Best Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter 03

1.



who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession

2.



A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant.
As they were about to sit down they noticed there were crumbs on the seat, after cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down.
A waitress came over asking them what they wanted, “I’ll just take a coffee” said the man, “me too” said the lady “and make sure the cup is clean.”
The waitress returned with their drinks “OK” she said placing down their cups “now, which one of you wanted the clean cup”.
A Amish girl and her mother
A little boy and his grandfather

3.



One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church

4.



A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief

5.



A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf.
The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.
On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.
“Okay, nice shot dad,” said the son, thinking quickly on his feet.
“Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”
Johnny runs to his dad and says
A family sat down for dinner

6.



An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting

7.



A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV it’s a microwave.”
A father asks his 10-year-old son
A man and his wife were in divorce court

8.



There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she was a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
“Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say,
“Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued,
“And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
He gets into the taxi
A teacher was testing the children

9.



A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway.
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, “Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?”
The old lady responds, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway Route 20!”
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!”
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled.
One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.
She responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
Two very old men were having a conversation

10.



George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass.
At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass.
After a few days of the force-feeding, George says,
“Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?”
She says, “Yes, of course. Why?”
George says, “I want you to have dinner with me tomorrow.”
There was a World wide survey
A young doctor had moved out to a small community

11.



Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans

12.



A man is in court for murder and the judge says, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge says, “We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, what is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, “Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A man was working on a preacher’s car

13.



I have such a dilemma.
There is a guy at my gym with no legs.
And I feel really awkward around him every time I see him.
So I tried to make a connection.
I said, ‘Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?’
A squirrel
You Know You’re Addicted

14.



A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids

15.



A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sights.
In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter replied, “Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning a real delicacy!”
The Texan said, “Well, what the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Senor there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning if you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins.”
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
A leper goes to watch a baseball game

16.



Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day
As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse.
Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck.
They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse.
The understanding professor said it’s fine and ask them to take it the next day, but for fairness they would have to take a different exam.
The next day they came to the exam room, and as per usual procedure, each obtained a copy of the exam and sat in a corner.
The classroom was big and empty, the professor sat and watched them, so they were nervous.
Fortunately, the questions on the first page are fairly easy.
Even though these questions only worth 10/100 points, it calmed them down a bit.
So they quickly finished the first page at the same time and turned to the second page.
There was a single question on it: (90/100) Which tire was blown?
Three men attend a job interview
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party

17.



A woman walks into the City Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids .
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up
I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri
“All right,” says the caseworker
“I’m seeing a pattern here
Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop
It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch
“I call them by their surnames!”
A climber fell off a cliff
It was no ordinary watch

18.



A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink

19.



Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard.
Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house.
The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow,
“I’ve won, I’ve won!”
An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard.
Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride.
A guy driving a Yugo
The cruise ship was sinking

20.



A group of devils were trying to enter the soul of a holy man who lived near Cairo; they had already tempted him with Nubian women, Egyptian food, Libyan treasure, but nothing had worked.
One day, Satan passed and saw his servants’ efforts.
You’re hopeless – said Satan
You haven’t used the only technique no one can resist; I’ll teach you.
He went over to the holy man and whispered in his ear:
Remember the priest who studied under you? He’s just been made Bishop of Alexandria.
Immediately, the holy man was filled with rage, and blasphemed against God’s injustice.
The next time, use this temptation – said Satan to his subjects.
“Men can resist almost everything, but they are always jealous of the victory of a fellow man.”
A older doctor stopped her
A man had just settled into his seat

21.



Two Women riding in an elevator in a very lavish and posh building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, at $220.”
When they got to the third floor, the old woman had reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks at both beautiful women in the eye,
Farts, and then says… Heinz Baked beans … $1.50.
A bear walks into a bar
The car speed off the highway

22.



A man went to the doctor’s.
The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.
The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like.
The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs “30,000.00.”
The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”
The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.”
George goes to the doctor
A man walk into a supermarket

23.



Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug

24.



A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby

25.



A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll

26.



Late one night, paramedics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital, suspecting a massive heart attack.
The medical team worked tirelessly through the night and well into the morning, finally stabilizing him and moving him to the Intensive Care Unit for ongoing treatment.
After a few days of recovery, Mr. Steinberg’s doctor visited him with great news.
“Sol, I’m thrilled to tell you that your heart is in remarkable shape—just like when you were 15! You’re being discharged tomorrow, and you can resume any physical activity you enjoy without worrying about your heart.”
Excited to return home, Mr. Steinberg eagerly shared the news with his wife that evening.
“Doris, you won’t believe this! I’m perfectly healthy. No heart problems whatsoever! Tonight, my darling, we’re going to have the most passionate, wild lovemaking you’ve ever experienced!”
Doris paused thoughtfully before responding. “I’m not so sure, Sol. I’ve heard about the risks of intense physical activity with heart conditions. If something happened to you, I’d feel awful. Maybe… if your doctor wrote me a note confirming it’s safe, I might consider it.”
Disheartened but determined, Mr. Steinberg visited his doctor the following day.
Dr. Katz cheerfully agreed. “Of course, Sol! I’ll write it up for you right now.”
He scribbled on his prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, my patient, is in excellent health with the heart function of a 15-year-old. He may engage in passionate, adventurous intimacy whenever he desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’
As he prepared the note, the doctor asked, “By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s name?”
After a brief hesitation, Mr. Steinberg replied sheepishly, “Uh, Doctor, could you just address it, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Two old men were sitting on a park bench

27.



Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.
As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability.
His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts: -Look at him, swimming he can’t either!
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A chemist comes back from his lunch break

28.



A guy was in an elevator one day and noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.
He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “
3rd floor” she replied, “I come here once a month to donate blood and they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen and they pay me $200”.
Just then the elevator door opened and the woman stepped out.
The next month the guy was in the same elevator and noticed the same woman running to make it in.
He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?”
With her mouth completely full she looked at him and said “mph, mph, fif floor.”
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
John goes to a doctor

29.



The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
“Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the privates.”
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon

30.



Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter