Hilarious Jokes Collection You Can’t Stop Laughing At 02

1.



Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys

2.



Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “yes, would you like some?”
The old guy said, yes, 5 loaves please.”
She said, “my goodness 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”
The old man says to himself, I can’t believe everybody knows about this!
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
Two old women were sitting on a bench

3.



An Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
He said, “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral.”
Cowboy Slick said, “You mean the parking lot?”
Slick was a bit more worldly than Slim.
Slim said, “Then, I walked up the trail to the door.”
Slick said, “You mean, the sidewalk to the door.”
Slim said, “Well, I guess. Once I was inside the door, I was met by this city-slicker dude.”
Slick growing frustrated said, “Slim, that would be the usher.”
Slim nodded and said, “Okay, well, the usher led me down the chute.”
Slick snarled and said, “You mean the aisle!”
Slim continued and said, “Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there.”
Slick only responded with a one-word correction, “Pew!”
Slim said, “Yeah, that’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
A elderly couple was driving
A husband went to the police station

4.



A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop

5.



A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
Good monkey, it’s worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
“What does this monkey know?”
“It knows Linux, Unix, Co rel and Auto-cad.”
“Nice, even I don’t know those things.”
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
“And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?”
“I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!”
A security guard has a dream
The bank robber

6.



So, a rich tycoon and his wife are having New Year’s dinner at a very exclusive restaurant, when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. ‪‪‬‬‬
The wife glares at her husband and says.
“Who in the hell was that?”
“Oh.” Replies the husband.
“She’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw.” Says the wife.
“I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that.” Replies her husband.
“But remember, I have all my money ring-fenced in a way you can’t access it along with our pre-nuptial agreement. So, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.”
He continues……
“Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit cards, and large bank account. But?”
He says. “The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Bobby?” Asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress.” Says the husband.
“Oh, ours is much prettier.” She replies.
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A husband and wife got into a spat

7.



A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll

8.



A man asks a farmer near a field,
As He is in hurry,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says,
“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
A man well into his seventies asks his wife

9.



A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store

10.



A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
Man And Ostrich
The rule of a king

11.



Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before.
They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.
One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
A woman said to her friend
A man and his dog walk into a bar

12.



A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat

13.



A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head

14.



Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season.
They went to 60 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed.
“So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
A nun and a priest were traveling
A man enters a barber shop

15.



A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in make love.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
There were five people aboard an airplane
The bartender asks the guy sitting

16.



Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, a are sitting on the couch watching TV.
On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death a etc.
“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to a put an end to it.”
“No problem ham,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
Adam woke up suddenly

17.



A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt.
She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt.
The doctor told her to demonstrate.
She touched her elbow and it hurt.
She touched her calf and it hurt.
The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
“That’s why!!!!!!!!”
“Your finger is broken!”
A policeman stops a lady
After 25 years of marriage

18.



Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.
He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church.
Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time.
At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned.
The priest called on the first nun. “What sin have you committed my child?” The priest asked.
“I stole coins from the fountain,” the nun replied. “You are forgiven.
Go bathe in the holy water.”
He called the second nun to him.
He asked her sin and she replied “I danced around the square n*ked.”
He forgave her sin and sent her to bathe in the holy water.
The priest called the third nun to him.
The third nun walked in the office giggling uncontrollably.
The priest asked what sin she had committed.
When she got her laughter under control she replied “I peed in the holy water.
Three mice are sitting in a bar
Two guys walking in front of a large church

19.



A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them.
At the end of the day, while marking the essays,she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, who had just walked in, saw her crying and asked her “What happened?”
She answered, “Read this It is one of my students’ essay.”
“Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special,
Make me into a television I want to take its place and live like the TV in my house.
Have my own special place, And have my family around me.
To be taken seriously when I talk I want to be the center of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions.
I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives even when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me and I want my brothers to fight to be with me.
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least, ensure that I can make them all happy and entertain them lord I don’t ask you for much… I just want to live like a TV.”
At that moment the husband said “My God, poor kid what horrible parents!”
The wife looked up at him and said “That is our son’s essay!!!”
The jar was full of nuts
Mike had a terrible cold

20.



Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day

21.



Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.
One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.
The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.
The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?
He says no, how do you do that?
The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.
So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.
When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know that’s going to get hard before you eat all that?
And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!
The car speed off the highway
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk

22.



A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring.
The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, “Hello? No honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes, love
you, bye.”
The bartender says, “What the heck is that?”
The customer replies “It’s my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it.”
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender’s ear.
The bartender’s wife answers and he who is very amazed says, “I…honey… just thought I’d call you and tell you I love you OK bye.”
The bartender says, “That’s amazing! How do you get one?”
“I’ll tell you when I get back from the restroom.”
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is OK.
When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bum.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the incredulous bartender.
“Give me a second,” the man replies as he grunts and groans, “I’m getting a fax.”
A young blonde lady went on a tour
A man goes to take out a loan

23.



A man and his wife were having an argument in bed.
After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained.
“But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife.
“That’s what started the argument in the first place.”
A couple that had been married
John asks his wife Mary

24.



A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn.
It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.
“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.”
Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs.
“I’m happy because this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.”
Two women were comparing notes
Three drunks get into a taxi

25.



Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home

26.



What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam

27.



A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bast…, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, make love orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to.
The ‘violator’ for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re!”
Two months later they’re in court.
The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined..”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand?”
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
Test their skills in recognizing

28.



A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight

29.



An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving

30.



A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night