1.
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together
2.
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
3.
A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years.”
“Twice a week, you say?”
“Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday.”
A truck driver was driving
A woman was getting calls from strangers
A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years.”
“Twice a week, you say?”
“Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday.”
A truck driver was driving
A woman was getting calls from strangers
4.
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
5.
A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.
The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”
A student called up his Mom
A woman went to police station
A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.
The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”
A student called up his Mom
A woman went to police station
6.
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right.
The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver.
The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”
“I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”
Two older women were fussing
A truck driver was driving
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right.
The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver.
The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”
“I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”
Two older women were fussing
A truck driver was driving
7.
A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.
“Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?”
“I can’t, she’s upstairs with Uncle Roger”
“You don’t have an Uncle Roger”
“Yes I do. He’s upstairs with mommy in the bedroom.”
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, “Okay honey, this is what I want you to do.
Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway”.
3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.
“Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and uncle Roger started yelling and running around the room.
Uncle Roger jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg!
And mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard.
I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the swimming pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she’s dead!”
The man pauses for a minute and says “Swimming pool? Is this 555-0124?”
A man in a pub asks for a beer
A 90 year old woman just got married
A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.
“Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?”
“I can’t, she’s upstairs with Uncle Roger”
“You don’t have an Uncle Roger”
“Yes I do. He’s upstairs with mommy in the bedroom.”
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, “Okay honey, this is what I want you to do.
Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway”.
3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.
“Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and uncle Roger started yelling and running around the room.
Uncle Roger jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg!
And mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard.
I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the swimming pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she’s dead!”
The man pauses for a minute and says “Swimming pool? Is this 555-0124?”
A man in a pub asks for a beer
A 90 year old woman just got married
8.
Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off.
It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.
The second guy saw him and hollered down, “What’re you doing?”
The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.
The second guy said, “I’ll help you” and jumped in the pit.
He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, “I found it!”
The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, “Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it.”
A man walks into a Chemist
The brand new blonde waitress
Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off.
It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.
The second guy saw him and hollered down, “What’re you doing?”
The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.
The second guy said, “I’ll help you” and jumped in the pit.
He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, “I found it!”
The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, “Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it.”
A man walks into a Chemist
The brand new blonde waitress
9.
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.”
A man went into a bank
This man drunk walks into a bar
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.”
A man went into a bank
This man drunk walks into a bar
10.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
11.
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
12.
A man and his dog walk into a bar.
The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man: “What covers a house?”
Dog: “Roof!”
Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog: “Rough!”
Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
Dog: “Ruth!”
Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”
Two young men were out in the woods
Two Irishmen were talking
A man and his dog walk into a bar.
The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man: “What covers a house?”
Dog: “Roof!”
Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog: “Rough!”
Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
Dog: “Ruth!”
Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”
Two young men were out in the woods
Two Irishmen were talking
13.
Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher
Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher
14.
A young female teacher, good looking and wearing a short and tight skirt, was giving an assignment to her class one day.
It was a big assignment, so she started writing high up on the whiteboard.
Suddenly, one boy in the class giggles.
She quickly turns and asks:
“What’s so funny, Michael?”
“Sorry teacher, but I just saw one of your garters,” he answers.
Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the whiteboard after adjusting her skirt.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another student.
She turns again and shouts:
“What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
His days are counted she, now furious, screams as loud as she can:
“Get out of my classroom!!” This time the punishment gets more severe.
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
She fixes her skirt again.
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops her marker when she turns towards the board, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time one of the kids bursts out laughing.
The teacher quickly turns around and sees little Johnny packing his things and heading for the classroom’s door.
“Where do you think you are going?” She asks.
Johnny turns around, still shocked, and answers: “Well, from what I just saw, my school days are pretty much over.”
A man and a woman meet
A blonde woman walking down the street
A young female teacher, good looking and wearing a short and tight skirt, was giving an assignment to her class one day.
It was a big assignment, so she started writing high up on the whiteboard.
Suddenly, one boy in the class giggles.
She quickly turns and asks:
“What’s so funny, Michael?”
“Sorry teacher, but I just saw one of your garters,” he answers.
Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the whiteboard after adjusting her skirt.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another student.
She turns again and shouts:
“What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
His days are counted she, now furious, screams as loud as she can:
“Get out of my classroom!!” This time the punishment gets more severe.
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
She fixes her skirt again.
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops her marker when she turns towards the board, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time one of the kids bursts out laughing.
The teacher quickly turns around and sees little Johnny packing his things and heading for the classroom’s door.
“Where do you think you are going?” She asks.
Johnny turns around, still shocked, and answers: “Well, from what I just saw, my school days are pretty much over.”
A man and a woman meet
A blonde woman walking down the street
15.
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Husband crying uncontrollably
A poor family
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Husband crying uncontrollably
A poor family
16.
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A elderly couple visits a doctor
Bob asks his mom
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A elderly couple visits a doctor
Bob asks his mom
17.
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
18.
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A American girl was visiting England
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A American girl was visiting England
19.
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
20.
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
21.
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
22.
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
23.
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
24.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
25.
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two lawyers were out hunting
The captain realized his ship was sinking
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two lawyers were out hunting
The captain realized his ship was sinking
26.
Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here for 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ giving’ him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘I’m, but I’M KEEPING’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!
At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cow’s justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”
Johnny was at school and the teacher said
He dialed the employees home phone number
Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here for 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ giving’ him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘I’m, but I’M KEEPING’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!
At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cow’s justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”
Johnny was at school and the teacher said
He dialed the employees home phone number
27.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class
Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
He goes to monastery knocks the door
A chemistry professor wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class
Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
He goes to monastery knocks the door
28.
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
29.
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening;
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
“Did you buy this cow from Alberta?”
The people were dumbfounded.
They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening;
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
“Did you buy this cow from Alberta?”
The people were dumbfounded.
They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
30.
“You have been a good cat all of these years anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.
The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.
God says: “Say no more”
Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said: “All our lives we’ve had to run Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us if we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore”.
God says: “Say no more” and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life and those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
Two old men Abe and Sol
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
“You have been a good cat all of these years anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.
The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.
God says: “Say no more”
Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said: “All our lives we’ve had to run Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us if we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore”.
God says: “Say no more” and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life and those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
Two old men Abe and Sol
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
Tags:
Eng Jokes
