1.
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
2.
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
3.
Thinking it had been a long time since he had paid her a compliment, she decides to see if she can get one out of him.
“Honey,” she says, “I feel horrible.”
Silence…
“I look old, fat, and ugly.”
More Silence leaving all semblance of subtlety behind her, she bluntly tells him what she wants.
“I could really use a compliment right now!”
Finally taking his cue, the husband replies,
“Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
There was a little old lady
I have an idea
Thinking it had been a long time since he had paid her a compliment, she decides to see if she can get one out of him.
“Honey,” she says, “I feel horrible.”
Silence…
“I look old, fat, and ugly.”
More Silence leaving all semblance of subtlety behind her, she bluntly tells him what she wants.
“I could really use a compliment right now!”
Finally taking his cue, the husband replies,
“Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
There was a little old lady
I have an idea
4.
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed
A elderly lady went to the doctor
5.
A man stands before St. Peter
St. Peter says “You are in luck today!
All you need to do to enter into heaven is to tell me of one unselfish deed you have done!”
The man says, “Boy, do I have a story for you!
I was walking home from work and came to my usual shortcut, an alley behind a bar.
There I saw a gang of five bikers, assaulting a woman.
Immediately, I jumped in the pile!
I grabbed the biggest of them all by the beard and pulled him out.
After that, it was all a blur, i was scratching and clawing.
Throwing kicks and punches. I even pulled one bikers nose ring out!
St. Peter, very impressed with the story says,”
Wow! You certainly weren’t lying about having a great story!
For my records, tell me when this happened! ”
The man hung his head and said, ” About 5 minutes ago. “
A man walks past a beggar every day
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel
A man stands before St. Peter
St. Peter says “You are in luck today!
All you need to do to enter into heaven is to tell me of one unselfish deed you have done!”
The man says, “Boy, do I have a story for you!
I was walking home from work and came to my usual shortcut, an alley behind a bar.
There I saw a gang of five bikers, assaulting a woman.
Immediately, I jumped in the pile!
I grabbed the biggest of them all by the beard and pulled him out.
After that, it was all a blur, i was scratching and clawing.
Throwing kicks and punches. I even pulled one bikers nose ring out!
St. Peter, very impressed with the story says,”
Wow! You certainly weren’t lying about having a great story!
For my records, tell me when this happened! ”
The man hung his head and said, ” About 5 minutes ago. “
A man walks past a beggar every day
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel
6.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
7.
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.
Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Sam called his wife and said
A mother was working in the kitchen
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.
Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Sam called his wife and said
A mother was working in the kitchen
8.
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said,
“Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”
A aged farmer and his wife
A old man and old woman got married
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said,
“Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”
A aged farmer and his wife
A old man and old woman got married
9.
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
10.
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
11.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested.
“Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
“Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
A husband and wife were driving through
Husband in bed with another woman
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested.
“Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
“Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
A husband and wife were driving through
Husband in bed with another woman
12.
A man died and went to straight down to hell.
The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place.
He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man could”t even breathe.
He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured.
It looked so painful the man could not watch.
He told the devil he definitely did”t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing.
The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat.
He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice.
After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
Three men are playing golf
A man died and went to straight down to hell.
The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place.
He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man could”t even breathe.
He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured.
It looked so painful the man could not watch.
He told the devil he definitely did”t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing.
The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat.
He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice.
After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
Three men are playing golf
13.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
14.
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
15.
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
A lady was walking down the street
A blonde was so upset
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
A lady was walking down the street
A blonde was so upset
16.
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
“You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
“You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”
“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.”
A woman meets a man in a bar
A circus owner walked into a bar
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
“You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
“You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”
“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.”
A woman meets a man in a bar
A circus owner walked into a bar
17.
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register.
And in the meantime the woman farts.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her… being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”
A pregnant woman walking across the street
A woman had twin boys
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register.
And in the meantime the woman farts.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her… being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”
A pregnant woman walking across the street
A woman had twin boys
18.
A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.
As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?”
The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.”
The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”
The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family.
After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.”
The wife then introduces him to the children.
The parrot says, “You have very nice children.”
Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
A man is driving down a country road
A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.
As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?”
The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.”
The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”
The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family.
After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.”
The wife then introduces him to the children.
The parrot says, “You have very nice children.”
Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
A man is driving down a country road
19.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
20.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me.
But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor?
Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on?
I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.
The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away.
Later, after dark, the car came back.
I saw your wife and a strange man get out.
They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window.
Your wife was kissing the man.
Then he took off his shirt.
Then she took off her top.
Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean?
There’s always that doubt.
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
Johnny went to confession
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me.
But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor?
Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on?
I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.
The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away.
Later, after dark, the car came back.
I saw your wife and a strange man get out.
They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window.
Your wife was kissing the man.
Then he took off his shirt.
Then she took off her top.
Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean?
There’s always that doubt.
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
Johnny went to confession
21.
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically.
He asked for two rubber pack and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again.
The same man walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
A woman went to a pet shop
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically.
He asked for two rubber pack and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again.
The same man walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
A woman went to a pet shop
22.
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”
The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.”
The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy.
It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
Two guys were working at a sawmill
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”
The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.”
The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy.
It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
Two guys were working at a sawmill
23.
There, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing.” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and I’ll buy you a drink.”
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart a.., cannot resist asking, so how many have you caught today?
The old man sipped his whiskey, and said, you’re the 8th.
A doctor entered the hospital
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
There, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing.” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and I’ll buy you a drink.”
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart a.., cannot resist asking, so how many have you caught today?
The old man sipped his whiskey, and said, you’re the 8th.
A doctor entered the hospital
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
24.
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely undressed except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Should a bought a hat.”
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely undressed except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Should a bought a hat.”
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
25.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
26.
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
27.
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
28.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
29.
A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?”
Only one hand shot up.
“Ok, answer, Joan,” said the teacher.
“‘unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle.”
A woman told to her husband
A blonde wanting to earn some money
A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?”
Only one hand shot up.
“Ok, answer, Joan,” said the teacher.
“‘unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle.”
A woman told to her husband
A blonde wanting to earn some money
30.
The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians, when you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order”.
The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants, when you open them up, everything is numbered and organized.”
The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians, when you open them up, everything is color-coded.”
The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief, One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a and head are interchangeable.”
A direct line to heaven
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians, when you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order”.
The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants, when you open them up, everything is numbered and organized.”
The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians, when you open them up, everything is color-coded.”
The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief, One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a and head are interchangeable.”
A direct line to heaven
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
Tags:
Eng Jokes
