1.
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Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by.
There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them.
The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”
Three contractors were submitting estimates
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by.
There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them.
The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”
Three contractors were submitting estimates
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
2.
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Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
3.
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
4.
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A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
5.
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A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only bang the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your melons twice a day, but only bang you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”
Three women worked in the same office
A married man decided to work late
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only bang the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your melons twice a day, but only bang you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”
Three women worked in the same office
A married man decided to work late
6.
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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
7.
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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.
He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.
So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.
His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.
“How did you lose your hand?”
“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”
The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls.
The boy is in awe of all the different animals.
“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because it bit off my ear.
I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better.”
As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.
“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”
“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”
“What about this Tiger?”
“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”
Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.
“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”
A couple was relating their vacation experiences
A dad was having a conversation with his son
An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.
He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.
So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.
His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.
“How did you lose your hand?”
“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”
The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls.
The boy is in awe of all the different animals.
“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because it bit off my ear.
I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better.”
As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.
“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”
“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”
“What about this Tiger?”
“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”
Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.
“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”
A couple was relating their vacation experiences
A dad was having a conversation with his son
8.
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
9.
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A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
10.
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife.
She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!
Two blondes were driving along a road
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife.
She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!
Two blondes were driving along a road
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
11.
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A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
12.
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A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette
13.
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If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
14.
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
15.
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A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary.
The husband turns to his wife and asks,
“What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?”
She replies, “Let’s run upstairs and make love.”
He turns to her and says,
“Well make up your mind, we can’t do both!”
A old lady comes into the kitchen
A man drinks a shot of whiskey
A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary.
The husband turns to his wife and asks,
“What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?”
She replies, “Let’s run upstairs and make love.”
He turns to her and says,
“Well make up your mind, we can’t do both!”
A old lady comes into the kitchen
A man drinks a shot of whiskey
16.
![Funny Jokes]()
In ancient Greece there lived an old man (Cimon).
The old man was sentenced to hunger death, he was kept in prison.
The idea was to keep him hungry till he died.
His darling daughter who was lactating pleaded with the government to see him (Cimon) everyday at least until his death.
She was granted permission.
She was checked thoroughly by the prison officers to ensure she is not carrying any food for her father.
Pero couldn’t bear the sight of her dying father.
She looked at him with the eyes of of a caring father.
So, in order to save his life she gave him breast milk on a daily basis.
When Cimon was still alive after many days without food the government became suspicious of Pero.
On one occasion, the prison guards caught Pero fronts feeding her father.
The case was filed against her but her selflessness and attitude won and turned the heart and mind of the jailer and he granted her father freedom.
Share! Share!
The Lion & The Poor Slave
In ancient Greece there lived an old man (Cimon).
The old man was sentenced to hunger death, he was kept in prison.
The idea was to keep him hungry till he died.
His darling daughter who was lactating pleaded with the government to see him (Cimon) everyday at least until his death.
She was granted permission.
She was checked thoroughly by the prison officers to ensure she is not carrying any food for her father.
Pero couldn’t bear the sight of her dying father.
She looked at him with the eyes of of a caring father.
So, in order to save his life she gave him breast milk on a daily basis.
When Cimon was still alive after many days without food the government became suspicious of Pero.
On one occasion, the prison guards caught Pero fronts feeding her father.
The case was filed against her but her selflessness and attitude won and turned the heart and mind of the jailer and he granted her father freedom.
Share! Share!
The Lion & The Poor Slave
17.
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A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student’s immediate family.
The class smart alack (believe me, there’s always at least one in every class!) raised his hand and asked,
“What about extreme bang exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare and said,
“Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
An old lady on the bus
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student’s immediate family.
The class smart alack (believe me, there’s always at least one in every class!) raised his hand and asked,
“What about extreme bang exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare and said,
“Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
An old lady on the bus
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
18.
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A woman was out driving when she stalled at a red light.
Hard though she tried, she was unable to restart the engine and soon a long queue began to form.
The male driver immediately behind her was particularly impatient, sounding his horn continuously.
Finally she got out of her car, went over to the driver behind and said:
“I can’t seem to get my car started. Would you be a sweetheart and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you!”
A man walked into an insurance office
A little old lady tried to phone
A woman was out driving when she stalled at a red light.
Hard though she tried, she was unable to restart the engine and soon a long queue began to form.
The male driver immediately behind her was particularly impatient, sounding his horn continuously.
Finally she got out of her car, went over to the driver behind and said:
“I can’t seem to get my car started. Would you be a sweetheart and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you!”
A man walked into an insurance office
A little old lady tried to phone
19.
![Funny Jokes]()
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
20.
![Funny Jokes]()
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
21.
![Funny Jokes]()
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
22.
![Funny Jokes]()
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
23.
![Funny Jokes]()
A guy and a girl met at a bar.
They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl’s place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and said, “You must be a dentist!”
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, “Why yes. That’s amazing. How did you determine that?”
The woman replied, “Easy… you keep washing your hands.”
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and after their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, “You must be a GREAT dentist!”
The guy was very surprised, and said ‘Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?
His lover said, “That’s easy. I didn’t feel a thing.”
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A guy and a girl met at a bar.
They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl’s place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and said, “You must be a dentist!”
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, “Why yes. That’s amazing. How did you determine that?”
The woman replied, “Easy… you keep washing your hands.”
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and after their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, “You must be a GREAT dentist!”
The guy was very surprised, and said ‘Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?
His lover said, “That’s easy. I didn’t feel a thing.”
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
24.
![Funny Jokes]()
A young man came to an old man of wisdom.
You are very old and clever.
Help me, please. Tell me how I should overcome my fear.
I am afraid of one thing in my life. I am afraid to die alone. What should I do?
In a minute of silence, the old man of wisdom replied:
You should become a pilot or a bus driver.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A young pot head starts to smoke
A young man came to an old man of wisdom.
You are very old and clever.
Help me, please. Tell me how I should overcome my fear.
I am afraid of one thing in my life. I am afraid to die alone. What should I do?
In a minute of silence, the old man of wisdom replied:
You should become a pilot or a bus driver.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A young pot head starts to smoke
25.
![Funny Jokes]()
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
26.
![Funny Jokes]()
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
27.
![Funny Jokes]()
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
28.
![Funny Jokes]()
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.
He had guests over and he thought they’d like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.
They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves over it.
He told the residents that he’ll let them off easy in the next few days if they were eager to get knocked down.
The guests then seemed to have a great time. There was one guest who seemed particularly not pleasant with the arrangement.
The Devil asked the particular guest, how he finds the arrangements.
The guest says, “I don’t get it”. The Devil says,
I’ve already made the punchline bold, do you also want me to underline it?”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The Maid asked for a pay raise
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.
He had guests over and he thought they’d like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.
They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves over it.
He told the residents that he’ll let them off easy in the next few days if they were eager to get knocked down.
The guests then seemed to have a great time. There was one guest who seemed particularly not pleasant with the arrangement.
The Devil asked the particular guest, how he finds the arrangements.
The guest says, “I don’t get it”. The Devil says,
I’ve already made the punchline bold, do you also want me to underline it?”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The Maid asked for a pay raise
29.
![Funny Jokes]()
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
A man stopped at a flower shop
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
A man stopped at a flower shop
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
30.
![Funny Jokes]()
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
A man is sitting on a train
A small guy goes into an elevator
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
A man is sitting on a train
A small guy goes into an elevator
Tags:
Eng Jokes
