1.
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
2.
Open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed,
“Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!”
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
Open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed,
“Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!”
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
3.
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go.
The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car.
He says, “Alright guys we’re here!”
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn’t moved an inch, he asks the drunk, “What was that for?”
The drunk says, “Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!”
A tornado hit a farmhouse
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go.
The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car.
He says, “Alright guys we’re here!”
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn’t moved an inch, he asks the drunk, “What was that for?”
The drunk says, “Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!”
A tornado hit a farmhouse
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
4.
After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:
“Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a twenty-six year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman.
It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”
She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a twenty-six year old blonde?
And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
A curious child asked his mother
A man was standing in front of mirror
After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:
“Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a twenty-six year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman.
It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”
She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a twenty-six year old blonde?
And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
A curious child asked his mother
A man was standing in front of mirror
5.
A kid asks his father “Dad whats politics?”
“Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of you and your needs, so we’ll call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?”
“I’m not sure, Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
Late that night, the boy’s sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother.
He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper.
He went to his parents’ room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn’t hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father.
“Dad I now think I understand what politics is.”
“Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words.”
“Well Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
A kid asks his father “Dad whats politics?”
“Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of you and your needs, so we’ll call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?”
“I’m not sure, Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
Late that night, the boy’s sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother.
He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper.
He went to his parents’ room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn’t hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father.
“Dad I now think I understand what politics is.”
“Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words.”
“Well Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
6.
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
7.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
A man was walking down the street
A little boy was afraid of the dark
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
A man was walking down the street
A little boy was afraid of the dark
8.
During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
“Don’t move the money belongs to the state your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber who has only completed Year 6 in primary school.
“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said:
“You are very stupid there is so much money it will take us a long time to count tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A man goes inside a pet shop
The Magical Lamp
During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
“Don’t move the money belongs to the state your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber who has only completed Year 6 in primary school.
“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said:
“You are very stupid there is so much money it will take us a long time to count tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A man goes inside a pet shop
The Magical Lamp
9.
A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter.
He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for those drinks?”
The Scotsman said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!”
The bartender looked him over. “Where’s your black beard?”
The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, “Secret Service!”
Two man went bear hunting
A elderly man goes into a night house
A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter.
He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for those drinks?”
The Scotsman said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!”
The bartender looked him over. “Where’s your black beard?”
The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, “Secret Service!”
Two man went bear hunting
A elderly man goes into a night house
10.
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
11.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
12.
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
13.
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
14.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
15.
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
16.
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.
Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
“Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived.
Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.
“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied.
“You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church.”
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
A man and his wife were awakened
A wife asks her programmer husband
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.
Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
“Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived.
Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.
“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied.
“You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church.”
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
A man and his wife were awakened
A wife asks her programmer husband
17.
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class.
The boy said, “Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she’s in 4th grade”.
The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately.
The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Teacher: What gets longer when pulled, fits between melons, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seat belt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
Two old men are sat on a bench
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class.
The boy said, “Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she’s in 4th grade”.
The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately.
The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Teacher: What gets longer when pulled, fits between melons, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seat belt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
Two old men are sat on a bench
18.
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season.
They went to 60 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed.
“So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
A nun and a priest were traveling
A man enters a barber shop
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season.
They went to 60 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed.
“So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
A nun and a priest were traveling
A man enters a barber shop
19.
A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.
“That’s something you’re never going to talk about again. And you shouldn’t touch it because it has teeth,” she replied.
Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.
One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married.
On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.
“No,” he said. “It’s got teeth.”
“Silly goose!” she said.
She spread her legs wide for him to see. “See? No teeth!”
“Well, I’m not surprised,” he replied. Not with gums like that.
A little boy and his grandfather
A couple were driving home
A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.
“That’s something you’re never going to talk about again. And you shouldn’t touch it because it has teeth,” she replied.
Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.
One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married.
On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.
“No,” he said. “It’s got teeth.”
“Silly goose!” she said.
She spread her legs wide for him to see. “See? No teeth!”
“Well, I’m not surprised,” he replied. Not with gums like that.
A little boy and his grandfather
A couple were driving home
20.
A 15-year-old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents.
“We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
A 15-year-old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents.
“We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
21.
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk.
The man turns to the woman and asks her why she’s so down.
“My husband just left me. He said I’m too kinky in bed,” she said.
“What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” said the man, “she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!”
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman’s house to have kinky make love.
When they get to the woman’s house she turns to the man and says, “Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.”
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
“What happened?” She said, “I thought you wanted to have kinky lovemaking?”
He looks at her and says, “Well, I just bang your dog and shit in your purse. I’m done.”
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A young girl went to her family doctor
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk.
The man turns to the woman and asks her why she’s so down.
“My husband just left me. He said I’m too kinky in bed,” she said.
“What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” said the man, “she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!”
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman’s house to have kinky make love.
When they get to the woman’s house she turns to the man and says, “Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.”
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
“What happened?” She said, “I thought you wanted to have kinky lovemaking?”
He looks at her and says, “Well, I just bang your dog and shit in your purse. I’m done.”
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A young girl went to her family doctor
22.
There was a little old lady who was suffering from a degenerative eye condition that had left her nearly blind.
She had three sons, and each wanted to prove that he loved her more than the others.
Son 1 bought her an expensive Mercedes, with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.
Son 2 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.
Son 3 had to do something even better, so he decided to give her his most prized possession, a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible.
You could name any verse, and the parrot could quote it word for word, what a gift that would be!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said;
“Son, the car is beautiful It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t like to go out anymore, and the chauffeur is a nuisance, so please return the car.”
Then she surprised her second son by saying; “Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it’s much for me I only live in one room, and it’s too large to clean and take care of I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”
Finally, she went to Son 3 and said; “Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift that chicken was delicious.”
A elderly couple stopped at a roadside
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
There was a little old lady who was suffering from a degenerative eye condition that had left her nearly blind.
She had three sons, and each wanted to prove that he loved her more than the others.
Son 1 bought her an expensive Mercedes, with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.
Son 2 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.
Son 3 had to do something even better, so he decided to give her his most prized possession, a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible.
You could name any verse, and the parrot could quote it word for word, what a gift that would be!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said;
“Son, the car is beautiful It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t like to go out anymore, and the chauffeur is a nuisance, so please return the car.”
Then she surprised her second son by saying; “Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it’s much for me I only live in one room, and it’s too large to clean and take care of I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”
Finally, she went to Son 3 and said; “Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift that chicken was delicious.”
A elderly couple stopped at a roadside
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
23.
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
24.
The car speed off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
“Good lord, mister,” he gasped,
“Are you drunk?”
“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
“What the hell do you think I am…
A STUNT DRIVER?”
Two Women riding in an elevator
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
The car speed off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
“Good lord, mister,” he gasped,
“Are you drunk?”
“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
“What the hell do you think I am…
A STUNT DRIVER?”
Two Women riding in an elevator
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
25.
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
26.
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.
They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
Two tourists were driving through
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.
They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
Two tourists were driving through
27.
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
28.
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot.
However, this could’ve worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandfather is very religious.
A week after her birthday, we each received a Thank you letter from grandpa.
To my first brother: “Hi darling.
Thank you for the new car, but my eyes and ears aren’t what they used to be and I’m not sure I can drive anymore.
But, thank you so much because it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana”
To my other brother: “Hello, dear child.
Thank you for the cabin, but I’m afraid my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and I can’t fully appreciate the view.
But, thanks again sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana.”
To me: “Hello sweety.
I know you can’t afford a great deal, but I appreciate what you gave me so much.
It was precisely what I needed.
The chicken was delicious. Love, Nana.”
Three women were sitting in a bar
Young boy gets suspended from school
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot.
However, this could’ve worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandfather is very religious.
A week after her birthday, we each received a Thank you letter from grandpa.
To my first brother: “Hi darling.
Thank you for the new car, but my eyes and ears aren’t what they used to be and I’m not sure I can drive anymore.
But, thank you so much because it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana”
To my other brother: “Hello, dear child.
Thank you for the cabin, but I’m afraid my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and I can’t fully appreciate the view.
But, thanks again sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana.”
To me: “Hello sweety.
I know you can’t afford a great deal, but I appreciate what you gave me so much.
It was precisely what I needed.
The chicken was delicious. Love, Nana.”
Three women were sitting in a bar
Young boy gets suspended from school
29.
Steve got a job as a lumberjack…
and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. “here you go. now get to it.”
Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.
“How many did you get?”, he asks.
“One”, Steve answers.
“wait, how is that possible?
I need you to cut down at least 10 tomorrow.”
And after the second day his boss comes over and asks:”how many?”
Steve says:”two”
“Hmm, maybe there’s something wrong with your chainsaw.
let me take a look at it.” he then proceeds to turn it on.
Steve says:”What’s that sound?
The teacher was teaching the kids
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
Steve got a job as a lumberjack…
and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. “here you go. now get to it.”
Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.
“How many did you get?”, he asks.
“One”, Steve answers.
“wait, how is that possible?
I need you to cut down at least 10 tomorrow.”
And after the second day his boss comes over and asks:”how many?”
Steve says:”two”
“Hmm, maybe there’s something wrong with your chainsaw.
let me take a look at it.” he then proceeds to turn it on.
Steve says:”What’s that sound?
The teacher was teaching the kids
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
30.
A man goes into the confession booth at the church.
“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” asks the priest.
“Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn’t let up.
After some time, me and the librarian lost our patience and… well… partied all night, if you catch my drift.”
“That is bad, but not horrible, my son. However, if it’s a one-time slip, God will forgive you,” said the priest.
“That is just the thing,” said the main,
“About a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and… well… You know, all night long…”
The priest remained silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, “What should I do now, father?”
“What should you do??” screamed the priest, “You should get out of here right now before it rains!”
Johnny preschool class went on a field trip
Two nuns happened to pass by the beer
A man goes into the confession booth at the church.
“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” asks the priest.
“Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn’t let up.
After some time, me and the librarian lost our patience and… well… partied all night, if you catch my drift.”
“That is bad, but not horrible, my son. However, if it’s a one-time slip, God will forgive you,” said the priest.
“That is just the thing,” said the main,
“About a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and… well… You know, all night long…”
The priest remained silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, “What should I do now, father?”
“What should you do??” screamed the priest, “You should get out of here right now before it rains!”
Johnny preschool class went on a field trip
Two nuns happened to pass by the beer
Tags:
Eng Jokes
