1.
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says, “I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.”
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can’t possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
A business man got on an elevator in a building
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says, “I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.”
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can’t possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
A business man got on an elevator in a building
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
2.
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
She charged that he had called her a pig
The doctor examined the man
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
She charged that he had called her a pig
The doctor examined the man
3.
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
4.
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
5.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man released that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It read, “It’s 5:00 am, wake up.”
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man released that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It read, “It’s 5:00 am, wake up.”
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A old man in Miami calls up his son
6.
Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk.
He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what the light switched itself on, all by itself! And as I was going out, the light went off again! I didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what?”
Ellie groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went and peed in the fridge again!”
A couple are sitting in their living room
A curious child asked his mother
Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk.
He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what the light switched itself on, all by itself! And as I was going out, the light went off again! I didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what?”
Ellie groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went and peed in the fridge again!”
A couple are sitting in their living room
A curious child asked his mother
7.
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says, ‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.’
The man says, ‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies, ‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
Two friends are having drinks
A man goes to confess
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says, ‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.’
The man says, ‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies, ‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
Two friends are having drinks
A man goes to confess
8.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
The bank robber
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
The bank robber
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
9.
A young female teacher, good looking and wearing a short and tight skirt, was giving an assignment to her class one day.
It was a big assignment, so she started writing high up on the whiteboard.
Suddenly, one boy in the class giggles.
She quickly turns and asks:
“What’s so funny, Michael?”
“Sorry teacher, but I just saw one of your garters,” he answers.
Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the whiteboard after adjusting her skirt.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another student.
She turns again and shouts:
“What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
His days are counted she, now furious, screams as loud as she can:
“Get out of my classroom!!” This time the punishment gets more severe.
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
She fixes her skirt again.
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops her marker when she turns towards the board, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time one of the kids bursts out laughing.
The teacher quickly turns around and sees little Johnny packing his things and heading for the classroom’s door.
“Where do you think you are going?” She asks.
Johnny turns around, still shocked, and answers: “Well, from what I just saw, my school days are pretty much over.”
A man and a woman meet
A blonde woman walking down the street
A young female teacher, good looking and wearing a short and tight skirt, was giving an assignment to her class one day.
It was a big assignment, so she started writing high up on the whiteboard.
Suddenly, one boy in the class giggles.
She quickly turns and asks:
“What’s so funny, Michael?”
“Sorry teacher, but I just saw one of your garters,” he answers.
Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the whiteboard after adjusting her skirt.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another student.
She turns again and shouts:
“What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
His days are counted she, now furious, screams as loud as she can:
“Get out of my classroom!!” This time the punishment gets more severe.
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
She fixes her skirt again.
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops her marker when she turns towards the board, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time one of the kids bursts out laughing.
The teacher quickly turns around and sees little Johnny packing his things and heading for the classroom’s door.
“Where do you think you are going?” She asks.
Johnny turns around, still shocked, and answers: “Well, from what I just saw, my school days are pretty much over.”
A man and a woman meet
A blonde woman walking down the street
10.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
11.
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
12.
“Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people
The father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”
The king of a small African nation
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
“Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people
The father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”
The king of a small African nation
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
13.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
14.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.”
“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
A wife went to the police station
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.”
“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
A wife went to the police station
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
15.
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.
They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
Two tourists were driving through
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.
They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
Two tourists were driving through
16.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic then, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic then, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
A son took his old father to a restaurant
17.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late.
When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened.
I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly
I saw a young, undressed woman tied up next to the tracks.
Of course I untied her and we had making love because I freed her.”
The friends are cheering and one friend asks,
“So… did you get any head?”
The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it
A man walks into a pharmacy
Teacher asks what is love
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late.
When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened.
I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly
I saw a young, undressed woman tied up next to the tracks.
Of course I untied her and we had making love because I freed her.”
The friends are cheering and one friend asks,
“So… did you get any head?”
The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it
A man walks into a pharmacy
Teacher asks what is love
18.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!
You’ve been playing golf!”
The groom approaches the pastor
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!
You’ve been playing golf!”
The groom approaches the pastor
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
19.
A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,
“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head
It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly,
“The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke.
The pastor finally blurted out, “and I can’t remember who she was!”
He knocked on the door of one house
A man asked his doctor
A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,
“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head
It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly,
“The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke.
The pastor finally blurted out, “and I can’t remember who she was!”
He knocked on the door of one house
A man asked his doctor
20.
A family enters a large store.
After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.
It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
The husband was falling asleep
Two kids are talking to each other
A family enters a large store.
After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.
It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
The husband was falling asleep
Two kids are talking to each other
21.
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
22.
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office.
Tina brought me to the hospital.
They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious.
Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response: Who is Tina?
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A man boarded a plane with six kids
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office.
Tina brought me to the hospital.
They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious.
Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response: Who is Tina?
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A man boarded a plane with six kids
23.
A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise.
“Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?” the lady asks.
Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.
“Oh does he now? Well, that’s not enough, why else?” the lady asks.
“He also says I clean better than you ever did” the maid says.
“I shall give him a piece of my mind later then, but that’s still not enough to get a rise from me,” the lady replies.
“OK, I better in bed than you too.”
“WHAT!” screamed the lady.
“How dare you. And did my husband tell you that too?”
“No,” says the maid:
“It was the gardener, and now I think we can settle on double my rate.”
A teacher was helping one of her kids
Two old women are discussing
A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise.
“Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?” the lady asks.
Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.
“Oh does he now? Well, that’s not enough, why else?” the lady asks.
“He also says I clean better than you ever did” the maid says.
“I shall give him a piece of my mind later then, but that’s still not enough to get a rise from me,” the lady replies.
“OK, I better in bed than you too.”
“WHAT!” screamed the lady.
“How dare you. And did my husband tell you that too?”
“No,” says the maid:
“It was the gardener, and now I think we can settle on double my rate.”
A teacher was helping one of her kids
Two old women are discussing
24.
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.
As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks,
“what’s the matter?”
The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart
I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”
A farmer from the cotton fields
A man puts the phone on speaker
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.
As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks,
“what’s the matter?”
The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart
I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”
A farmer from the cotton fields
A man puts the phone on speaker
25.
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
“Don’t you love him anymore,” asked the lawyer?
“Oh, I still love him,” the woman replied.
“But, all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it.”
“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband started in on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied.
“From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said.
“Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand.
“That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”
A farmer decides to tell his son
Two guys are driving along in a car
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
“Don’t you love him anymore,” asked the lawyer?
“Oh, I still love him,” the woman replied.
“But, all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it.”
“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband started in on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied.
“From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said.
“Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand.
“That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”
A farmer decides to tell his son
Two guys are driving along in a car
26.
Two guys were playing golf.
On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups.
Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes.
Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups.
All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared.
She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups.
She said, ”Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won’t have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won’t hurt my creations.”
*POOF* She disappeared.
Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, “Bob!
Bob! Come over here here quick!”
Bob replied, “Wait a sec. I’m hitting my shot and I’ll be right over.”
Jack yelled back at Bob, “Where are you?”
Bob answered, “I’m over here in the kitten-paw willows”
Jack shouted back, “Don’t swing Bob! For the love of God, don’t swing!”
A judge was interviewing a lady
A man asked his wife
Two guys were playing golf.
On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups.
Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes.
Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups.
All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared.
She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups.
She said, ”Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won’t have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won’t hurt my creations.”
*POOF* She disappeared.
Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, “Bob!
Bob! Come over here here quick!”
Bob replied, “Wait a sec. I’m hitting my shot and I’ll be right over.”
Jack yelled back at Bob, “Where are you?”
Bob answered, “I’m over here in the kitten-paw willows”
Jack shouted back, “Don’t swing Bob! For the love of God, don’t swing!”
A judge was interviewing a lady
A man asked his wife
27.
A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
She says, “I want my husband to have eyes only for me.”
I want to be the only one in his life.
I want him to sleep always by my side.
I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone.
A old man gets on a crowded bus
A overweight blonde
A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
She says, “I want my husband to have eyes only for me.”
I want to be the only one in his life.
I want him to sleep always by my side.
I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone.
A old man gets on a crowded bus
A overweight blonde
28.
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
During the walk the boy sees two men dressed as cowboys saunter by.
‘Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!’ He says
The father is surprised and tells his son to watch his mouth
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, ‘Dad, look it two more of those bow legged bastards!’
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, ‘I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.’
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
‘Dad, look it’s another couple of bow-legged bastards!’
‘That’s it!’ the father yells, he picks the kid up and takes him home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Every day he comes to give the boy food and see if he has made any improvement.
Till one day when he knocks the boy responds
‘foresooth father, tis a fine day, might we go for a stroll in yonder park.’
Amazed that it worked and feeling like he is certainly father of the year for pulling this off he let’s the boy out and they go to the park.
They are walking along and the boy is speaking in brilliant prose about the trees, the birds, the blue sky, and the placid lake.
Just then another two of these fellows dressed like cowboys come walking by.
The boy turns to his father and says,
‘Father, what strange men are these their balls hang in parentheses?’
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
During the walk the boy sees two men dressed as cowboys saunter by.
‘Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!’ He says
The father is surprised and tells his son to watch his mouth
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, ‘Dad, look it two more of those bow legged bastards!’
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, ‘I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.’
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
‘Dad, look it’s another couple of bow-legged bastards!’
‘That’s it!’ the father yells, he picks the kid up and takes him home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Every day he comes to give the boy food and see if he has made any improvement.
Till one day when he knocks the boy responds
‘foresooth father, tis a fine day, might we go for a stroll in yonder park.’
Amazed that it worked and feeling like he is certainly father of the year for pulling this off he let’s the boy out and they go to the park.
They are walking along and the boy is speaking in brilliant prose about the trees, the birds, the blue sky, and the placid lake.
Just then another two of these fellows dressed like cowboys come walking by.
The boy turns to his father and says,
‘Father, what strange men are these their balls hang in parentheses?’
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors
29.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
30.
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
One of the priests said
Serious hearing problems
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
One of the priests said
Serious hearing problems
Tags:
Eng Jokes
