1.
An 80-year-old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says, “I want to get a tattoo”.
The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”
Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh.”
Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”
Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”
Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”
Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”
Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
A man was in hurry to catch a train
An 80-year-old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says, “I want to get a tattoo”.
The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”
Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh.”
Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”
Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”
Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”
Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”
Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
A man was in hurry to catch a train
2.
Two hunters get up early one morning to go hunting.
They live way out in the country, so all they have to do is walk from the first hunter’s house across a field and into the woods to hunt.
But today the hunting’s terrible, the worst they’ve ever had, so they decide to quit early.
They emerge from the woods and start walking across the field to the first hunter’s house.
The second hunter, playing with his scope, aims his rifle at the first hunter’s bedroom window and suddenly stops.
“Hey, did you know your wife’s cheating’ on you with that guy who lives across the road from you?”
“WHAT?! I have HAD it with that woman and her cheating! I want you to shoot her in the head, and you shoot him right in his manhood!”
“Well, hell, I can hit that with one shot!”
Two guys were discussing life
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
Two hunters get up early one morning to go hunting.
They live way out in the country, so all they have to do is walk from the first hunter’s house across a field and into the woods to hunt.
But today the hunting’s terrible, the worst they’ve ever had, so they decide to quit early.
They emerge from the woods and start walking across the field to the first hunter’s house.
The second hunter, playing with his scope, aims his rifle at the first hunter’s bedroom window and suddenly stops.
“Hey, did you know your wife’s cheating’ on you with that guy who lives across the road from you?”
“WHAT?! I have HAD it with that woman and her cheating! I want you to shoot her in the head, and you shoot him right in his manhood!”
“Well, hell, I can hit that with one shot!”
Two guys were discussing life
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
3.
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
4.
A doctor had just finished a marathon love session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to bang one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have lovemaking with their patients so its not like you’re the first…”
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, “… but they probably weren’t veterinarians”
A blonde told her doctor
A lady was filling her tank
A doctor had just finished a marathon love session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to bang one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have lovemaking with their patients so its not like you’re the first…”
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, “… but they probably weren’t veterinarians”
A blonde told her doctor
A lady was filling her tank
5.
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
6.
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
7.
Three nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.”
intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. ” i found a phone in the priests room.”
said the first nun.
“oh that’s nothing said the second one, i found protections in one of his drawers.”
said the second one.
“what did u do with them.”
said the first nun.
pridefully the second nun responds with,” i poked holes in all of them.”
and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
Frank went to the gym
Three nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.”
intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. ” i found a phone in the priests room.”
said the first nun.
“oh that’s nothing said the second one, i found protections in one of his drawers.”
said the second one.
“what did u do with them.”
said the first nun.
pridefully the second nun responds with,” i poked holes in all of them.”
and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
Frank went to the gym
8.
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A lady from the city and her traveling
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A lady from the city and her traveling
9.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
10.
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
11.
A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied,
“I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother but I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars.”
The man smiled and said, “Come on in with me, I’ll buy you a rose.”
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother’s flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, “Yes, please! You can take me to my mother.”
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother’s house.
Your presence makes the heart of your mother rejoice.
Translating Monk Texts
The little old woman
A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied,
“I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother but I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars.”
The man smiled and said, “Come on in with me, I’ll buy you a rose.”
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother’s flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, “Yes, please! You can take me to my mother.”
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother’s house.
Your presence makes the heart of your mother rejoice.
Translating Monk Texts
The little old woman
12.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
13.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
14.
Johnny fell In love, so he asks his father.
“Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!”
“That’s a great son, who is she?”
“It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
“Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother, sandra is actually your sister.”
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later.
“Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”
“That’s a great son, who is she?”
“It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
“Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that, Angela is also your sister.”
This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
“Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
“My love, you can date whoever you want don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.”
I have an idea
A pissed-off wife was complaining
Johnny fell In love, so he asks his father.
“Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!”
“That’s a great son, who is she?”
“It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
“Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother, sandra is actually your sister.”
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later.
“Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”
“That’s a great son, who is she?”
“It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
“Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that, Angela is also your sister.”
This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
“Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
“My love, you can date whoever you want don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.”
I have an idea
A pissed-off wife was complaining
15.
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
16.
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
17.
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.
‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service-station attendant.
‘Nothing,’ the woman answered. ‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.’
‘Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians don’t use saddle.
A boy who was a witness
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.
‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service-station attendant.
‘Nothing,’ the woman answered. ‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.’
‘Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians don’t use saddle.
A boy who was a witness
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah
18.
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
The son asks the father
A teacher is teaching a class
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
The son asks the father
A teacher is teaching a class
19.
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head.’
The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice,
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you.
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger.”
The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.”
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head.’
The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice,
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you.
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger.”
The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.”
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
20.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting.
I’m a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, “I agree with you completely.”
“This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.”
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No
I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
A man who worked for the post office
A doctor entered the hospital
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting.
I’m a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, “I agree with you completely.”
“This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.”
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No
I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
A man who worked for the post office
A doctor entered the hospital
21.
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
And the girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A man and a woman meet
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
And the girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A man and a woman meet
22.
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
23.
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman.
“It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan.
“Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman.
“That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A man was annoyed when his wife
A man walks up to a woman
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman.
“It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan.
“Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman.
“That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A man was annoyed when his wife
A man walks up to a woman
24.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
“Some bum wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he ……….added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?”
” Georgia , sir.” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Georgia ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and football players down there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Georgia .”
“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven
Two gorgeous 21 year old twin girls lying on the bed
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
“Some bum wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he ……….added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?”
” Georgia , sir.” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Georgia ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and football players down there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Georgia .”
“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven
Two gorgeous 21 year old twin girls lying on the bed
25.
A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.
The Dads feet started getting cold.
So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers.
When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed.
He then says, “My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”.
They then replied with, “No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”.
The Son says, “He has and I can prove it,” so he shouts, “DAD, YOU DID SAY BOTH OF THEM, DIDN’T YOU?”.
His Dad then shouts back, “OF COURSE I DID WHATS THE POINT IN BANG ONE.”
The day she won the lottery
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife
A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.
The Dads feet started getting cold.
So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers.
When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed.
He then says, “My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”.
They then replied with, “No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”.
The Son says, “He has and I can prove it,” so he shouts, “DAD, YOU DID SAY BOTH OF THEM, DIDN’T YOU?”.
His Dad then shouts back, “OF COURSE I DID WHATS THE POINT IN BANG ONE.”
The day she won the lottery
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife
26.
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary.
The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house.
They didn’t want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.
The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, “My husband will be here in a moment. He’s just saying good-bye to my mother.”
When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, “Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her bum downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!”
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Two deaf men were talking
Sam called his wife and said
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary.
The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house.
They didn’t want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.
The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, “My husband will be here in a moment. He’s just saying good-bye to my mother.”
When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, “Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her bum downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!”
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Two deaf men were talking
Sam called his wife and said
27.
Once there was a business executive who was sunken in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him suppliers were demanding payment.
He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from insolvency.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
“I can see that something is worrying you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said: “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying,
“Take this money meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $100,000, signed by Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest men in the world at that time!
“I can erase my money problems in an instant!” he realized
But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With revived hope, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment.
He closed several big sales within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly after one year, the executive returned to the park with the uncashed check of $ 100,000
At the same time, the old man appeared there but just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him !” she cried.
He is always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s Andrew Carnegie.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned.
All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had a check of $100,000 behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money real or imagined, that had returned his life around.
It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
A young naval student
Moishe the Carpenter
Once there was a business executive who was sunken in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him suppliers were demanding payment.
He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from insolvency.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
“I can see that something is worrying you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said: “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying,
“Take this money meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $100,000, signed by Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest men in the world at that time!
“I can erase my money problems in an instant!” he realized
But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With revived hope, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment.
He closed several big sales within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly after one year, the executive returned to the park with the uncashed check of $ 100,000
At the same time, the old man appeared there but just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him !” she cried.
He is always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s Andrew Carnegie.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned.
All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had a check of $100,000 behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money real or imagined, that had returned his life around.
It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
A young naval student
Moishe the Carpenter
28.
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“Ow!” Larry exclaimed. “What was that for?”
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Calm down, honey,” Larry said. “I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on.”
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your dog just called.”
A young boy enters a barber shop
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“Ow!” Larry exclaimed. “What was that for?”
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Calm down, honey,” Larry said. “I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on.”
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your dog just called.”
A young boy enters a barber shop
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
29.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.
“Well,” said Paddy,
“there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage
Then there’s the housekeeper
She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit.
He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6 months gets to sleep with my missus.”
“That’s who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.
A rather old fashioned lady
A woman goes to her doctor
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.
“Well,” said Paddy,
“there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage
Then there’s the housekeeper
She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit.
He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6 months gets to sleep with my missus.”
“That’s who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.
A rather old fashioned lady
A woman goes to her doctor
30.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
Tags:
Eng Jokes
