1.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.
He had guests over and he thought they’d like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.
They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves over it.
He told the residents that he’ll let them off easy in the next few days if they were eager to get knocked down.
The guests then seemed to have a great time. There was one guest who seemed particularly not pleasant with the arrangement.
The Devil asked the particular guest, how he finds the arrangements.
The guest says, “I don’t get it”. The Devil says,
I’ve already made the punchline bold, do you also want me to underline it?”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The Maid asked for a pay raise
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.
He had guests over and he thought they’d like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.
They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves over it.
He told the residents that he’ll let them off easy in the next few days if they were eager to get knocked down.
The guests then seemed to have a great time. There was one guest who seemed particularly not pleasant with the arrangement.
The Devil asked the particular guest, how he finds the arrangements.
The guest says, “I don’t get it”. The Devil says,
I’ve already made the punchline bold, do you also want me to underline it?”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The Maid asked for a pay raise
2.
An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off.
As he sat on the riverbank, Little Johnny came walking by.
Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said:
“Frog, I’s gon cut yo’ legs off!”
Then he said,
“Frog, after I get don’ cutting’ yo legs off, I’s gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog …”
This was too much for the deputy.
He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, and said,
“Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I’m gonna do to you!”
Little Johnny said, “Frog, dis here’s yo’ lucky day, ’cause I’s gonna kiss yo’ bum.”
An old owl was perched on a tree
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off.
As he sat on the riverbank, Little Johnny came walking by.
Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said:
“Frog, I’s gon cut yo’ legs off!”
Then he said,
“Frog, after I get don’ cutting’ yo legs off, I’s gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog …”
This was too much for the deputy.
He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, and said,
“Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I’m gonna do to you!”
Little Johnny said, “Frog, dis here’s yo’ lucky day, ’cause I’s gonna kiss yo’ bum.”
An old owl was perched on a tree
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
3.
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
4.
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
5.
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets we’re one short.”
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
A man walked into a cowboy bar
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets we’re one short.”
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
A man walked into a cowboy bar
6.
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
7.
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
Four older women are sitting
The teacher told her class
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
Four older women are sitting
The teacher told her class
8.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
9.
A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
“What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked.
“Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied.
“Heard of what?”
“Herd of cows.”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows.”
“No, a cow herd.”
“What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”
A lady calls the police to report
A blonde had just gotten a new car
A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
“What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked.
“Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied.
“Heard of what?”
“Herd of cows.”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows.”
“No, a cow herd.”
“What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”
A lady calls the police to report
A blonde had just gotten a new car
10.
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
11.
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A employee sits in his office
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A employee sits in his office
12.
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
13.
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding’
Mary and Dave went a romantic dinner
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding’
Mary and Dave went a romantic dinner
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
14.
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
15.
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked,
“Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”
What is politics
A husband and wife were driving through
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked,
“Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”
What is politics
A husband and wife were driving through
16.
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
17.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts finally his exasperated partner said: “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answered: “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” said his partner.
“You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
The painter Henri Matisse
A Drunk Man Was Sitting By A Pond
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts finally his exasperated partner said: “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answered: “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” said his partner.
“You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
The painter Henri Matisse
A Drunk Man Was Sitting By A Pond
18.
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
19.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
A small guy goes into an elevator
A old couple go to a doctor
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
A small guy goes into an elevator
A old couple go to a doctor
20.
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them neither receive a thank you message !”
Ruby replies. “I too send them a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow !, How come?” remarked Dolly.
“Very simple solution, I don’t sign the cheque.”
A policeman goes home after a long
The judge asked the lady
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them neither receive a thank you message !”
Ruby replies. “I too send them a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow !, How come?” remarked Dolly.
“Very simple solution, I don’t sign the cheque.”
A policeman goes home after a long
The judge asked the lady
21.
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
22.
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
23.
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
24.
The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs, “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling with call girl and even murder!”
The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.
“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you pick your own punishment.”
The devil leads him through the fields of tortured souls into his manor and down a long darkened hallway.
Before them was three large oak doors.
“Now!” Said the devil “You get to look at each torture behind the doors and decide which one you want to do, but be warned… whatever you pick you will have to endure for the next 100 years!”
The lawyer nods solemnly and walks towards the 1st door, pushing it open he sees a man being whipped by a horrendous demon over and over again.
Shuddering he slams the door shut and walks to the second door, behind that one is a man being hung over and over again, with each snap of the neck or strangulation he is restored and forced to endure the act again and again.
The lawyer retches and walks to the third door.
Swinging it open he sees a gorgeous blonde slim and stunning kissing a disheveled and dirty man deeply, it is passionate and intense, hands are everywhere and just watching causes the lawyer to grin lewdly.
Rubbing his hands together he turns to the devil and says, “I want door number three!”
The devil grins wickedly, “Okay!”
Walking to the door the devil swings it open and leans in shouting: “Alright Blondie! Times up!”
A Raven & A Swan
Big People Words
The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs, “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling with call girl and even murder!”
The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.
“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you pick your own punishment.”
The devil leads him through the fields of tortured souls into his manor and down a long darkened hallway.
Before them was three large oak doors.
“Now!” Said the devil “You get to look at each torture behind the doors and decide which one you want to do, but be warned… whatever you pick you will have to endure for the next 100 years!”
The lawyer nods solemnly and walks towards the 1st door, pushing it open he sees a man being whipped by a horrendous demon over and over again.
Shuddering he slams the door shut and walks to the second door, behind that one is a man being hung over and over again, with each snap of the neck or strangulation he is restored and forced to endure the act again and again.
The lawyer retches and walks to the third door.
Swinging it open he sees a gorgeous blonde slim and stunning kissing a disheveled and dirty man deeply, it is passionate and intense, hands are everywhere and just watching causes the lawyer to grin lewdly.
Rubbing his hands together he turns to the devil and says, “I want door number three!”
The devil grins wickedly, “Okay!”
Walking to the door the devil swings it open and leans in shouting: “Alright Blondie! Times up!”
A Raven & A Swan
Big People Words
25.
“$85 for an extraction, Ma’am,” was the dentists reply.
“Och huv ye nay got anything cheaper,” replies the Scottish lass getting agitated.
“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, Ma’am,” replied the dentist.
“What abut if ye did nae use any anesthetic?” asked Maggie hopefully.
“Well it’s highly unusual, Ma’am, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $65.”
“What abut if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi’ too anesthetic?” asked the Scottish lass.
“Well it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism
It’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40.”
“Och that’s still a bit much, how ab too if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watching’ and learning’?”
The dentist replied, “Well OK it’ll be good for the students, I suppose
I’ll charge you only $5 in that case, but it will be a traumatic experience.”
“Now yer talking’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said Maggie.
“Can ye book the hubby in for next Wednesday?”
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
A Greedy Cup
“$85 for an extraction, Ma’am,” was the dentists reply.
“Och huv ye nay got anything cheaper,” replies the Scottish lass getting agitated.
“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, Ma’am,” replied the dentist.
“What abut if ye did nae use any anesthetic?” asked Maggie hopefully.
“Well it’s highly unusual, Ma’am, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $65.”
“What abut if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi’ too anesthetic?” asked the Scottish lass.
“Well it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism
It’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40.”
“Och that’s still a bit much, how ab too if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watching’ and learning’?”
The dentist replied, “Well OK it’ll be good for the students, I suppose
I’ll charge you only $5 in that case, but it will be a traumatic experience.”
“Now yer talking’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said Maggie.
“Can ye book the hubby in for next Wednesday?”
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
A Greedy Cup
26.
Suddenly, the captain announces over the public address system, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to say that I have some bad news.
Our engines are malfunctioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years.
She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “Don’t you see? The debt collectors will find us!”
Mr Brown was telling his son
A man and woman were soon to be married
Suddenly, the captain announces over the public address system, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to say that I have some bad news.
Our engines are malfunctioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years.
She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “Don’t you see? The debt collectors will find us!”
Mr Brown was telling his son
A man and woman were soon to be married
27.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
“Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.”
The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,”
“Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad news for you.”
A old couple go to a doctor
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
“Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.”
The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,”
“Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad news for you.”
A old couple go to a doctor
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
28.
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
“Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the privates.”
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
“Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the privates.”
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
29.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said,
“I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Did anything happen today
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said,
“I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Did anything happen today
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
30.
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
Tags:
Eng Jokes
