1.
The little housewife was having her TV repaired.
The TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.
Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her:
When he’d finished she paid him and said.
“I’m going to make a well unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.
“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man sigh he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man.”
The repairman could hardly speak.
“Yes! Yes!”
“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door.”
“Yes; yes!”
“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”
Three elderly men are at the doctor
A dad walks into a market with son
The little housewife was having her TV repaired.
The TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.
Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her:
When he’d finished she paid him and said.
“I’m going to make a well unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.
“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man sigh he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man.”
The repairman could hardly speak.
“Yes! Yes!”
“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door.”
“Yes; yes!”
“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”
Three elderly men are at the doctor
A dad walks into a market with son
2.
A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really looking rough.
The doc says, “What happened?”
The woman replies, “Every time my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home.”
The doc thinks for a minute and says, “I have a remedy for that.
The next time your husband comes home drunk on beer just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed.”
The woman goes home.
Two weeks later she returns to her doctor.
The doc says, “You look great, did you try my advice?”
The woman replies, “Yes i did, but how did you know it would work?”
He tells her “See what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?
Three blondes are talking about
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really looking rough.
The doc says, “What happened?”
The woman replies, “Every time my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home.”
The doc thinks for a minute and says, “I have a remedy for that.
The next time your husband comes home drunk on beer just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed.”
The woman goes home.
Two weeks later she returns to her doctor.
The doc says, “You look great, did you try my advice?”
The woman replies, “Yes i did, but how did you know it would work?”
He tells her “See what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?
Three blondes are talking about
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
3.
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story.
As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.
Then she came across the drawing of one little boy.
He was busy drawing a man driving an old car.
“In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
“It’s a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question.
“Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn’t it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
A elderly lady was well-known
The doctor entered the room and advised
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story.
As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.
Then she came across the drawing of one little boy.
He was busy drawing a man driving an old car.
“In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
“It’s a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question.
“Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn’t it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
A elderly lady was well-known
The doctor entered the room and advised
4.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
5.
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
6.
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson.
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”
Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.”
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says,
“They are very fashionable.” The teacher says,
“Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.”
Johnny thinks for a moment and then says,
“Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate
Man looks at his friend
A priest is walking down the river
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson.
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”
Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.”
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says,
“They are very fashionable.” The teacher says,
“Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.”
Johnny thinks for a moment and then says,
“Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate
Man looks at his friend
A priest is walking down the river
7.
Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk.
He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what the light switched itself on, all by itself! And as I was going out, the light went off again! I didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what?”
Ellie groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went and peed in the fridge again!”
A couple are sitting in their living room
A curious child asked his mother
Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk.
He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what the light switched itself on, all by itself! And as I was going out, the light went off again! I didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what?”
Ellie groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went and peed in the fridge again!”
A couple are sitting in their living room
A curious child asked his mother
8.
There is this guy who has a 25 inch weapon.
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his weapon smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him.
If the frog says ‘no’, his tool will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog.
He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says, “No”, and his prick shrinks five inches.
The guys thinks to himself, “Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big.”
So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog says, “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guys weapon shrinks another five inches.
But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big.
But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great.
He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you — NO, NO, NO!!!”
A young lady meet a man in a pub
Two man were sitting in a bar
There is this guy who has a 25 inch weapon.
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his weapon smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him.
If the frog says ‘no’, his tool will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog.
He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says, “No”, and his prick shrinks five inches.
The guys thinks to himself, “Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big.”
So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog says, “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guys weapon shrinks another five inches.
But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big.
But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great.
He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you — NO, NO, NO!!!”
A young lady meet a man in a pub
Two man were sitting in a bar
9.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.”
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
had an affair with his boss’ wife; had make love with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician.
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Two hunters from Moscow charter
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.”
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
had an affair with his boss’ wife; had make love with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician.
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Two hunters from Moscow charter
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
10.
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
11.
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
A blonde decides to make an experiment
12.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition’.
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words’.
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said Paint my house.
I was barely sitting down
The Englishman & Irishman
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition’.
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words’.
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said Paint my house.
I was barely sitting down
The Englishman & Irishman
13.
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him
“Grandpa what is couple make love?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
I was waiting on the sofa
If you let me touch your wife
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him
“Grandpa what is couple make love?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
I was waiting on the sofa
If you let me touch your wife
14.
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad.
His dad said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s dad said “that’s Mr.wiggles”.
Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s mom said “that’s my garden”.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look up. Timmy looked up.
Timmy said “What are those?”.
Timmy’s mom said those are her headlights.
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents.
His parents said don’t look under the covers.
Timmy looked under the covers.
Timmy yelled “MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS.
A blonde is pregnant
Mother is on top of father
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad.
His dad said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s dad said “that’s Mr.wiggles”.
Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s mom said “that’s my garden”.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look up. Timmy looked up.
Timmy said “What are those?”.
Timmy’s mom said those are her headlights.
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents.
His parents said don’t look under the covers.
Timmy looked under the covers.
Timmy yelled “MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS.
A blonde is pregnant
Mother is on top of father
15.
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
16.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
17.
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
18.
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response.
The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response.
The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
19.
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably
She gets up and starts to look for him.
He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen
As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffles coming from the basement.
She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.
She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.
He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?”
She looks at him and says, “Yes”.
He says, “Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.”
She says, “I already know that
I don’t see what the problem is.”
He says, “Don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
A mother took her little boy to church
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably
She gets up and starts to look for him.
He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen
As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffles coming from the basement.
She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.
She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.
He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?”
She looks at him and says, “Yes”.
He says, “Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.”
She says, “I already know that
I don’t see what the problem is.”
He says, “Don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
A mother took her little boy to church
20.
This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having lovemaking!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have lovemaking with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.
“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have lovemaking with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have make love with a call girl, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely to much”, says the doctor.
“You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”
A guy walks into a post office
Three young women are at a party
This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having lovemaking!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have lovemaking with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.
“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have lovemaking with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have make love with a call girl, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely to much”, says the doctor.
“You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”
A guy walks into a post office
Three young women are at a party
21.
He starts dialing numbers on his hand, like a telephone, and talking into his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand I’m very hi-tech, I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible,” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it by the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room.
There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his bums.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender.
“Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says:
“No, I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”
A man went to his lawyer
A man died and went to straight
He starts dialing numbers on his hand, like a telephone, and talking into his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand I’m very hi-tech, I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible,” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it by the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room.
There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his bums.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender.
“Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says:
“No, I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”
A man went to his lawyer
A man died and went to straight
22.
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
23.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
24.
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks.
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
A older man and young girlfriend
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks.
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
A older man and young girlfriend
25.
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,
“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”
The old man snaps back,
“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”
Eliza says to the other two
A woman finds magic lamp
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,
“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”
The old man snaps back,
“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”
Eliza says to the other two
A woman finds magic lamp
26.
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He said, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key…!!”
Bob was fixing a door
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He said, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key…!!”
Bob was fixing a door
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
27.
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
“What’s the matter?” asked Bill of his buddy.
“You look kind of down.”
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
“What’s the matter?” asked Bill of his buddy.
“You look kind of down.”
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
28.
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s resume and then asked him a few questions.
The interview was going well until the interviewer asked, “So if you are on a moving train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
The man thought about it for a second and responded, “Well, I would open the window.”
“Amazing!” exclaimed the interviewer and asked, “Let’s say the train is traveling at 100 miles per hour, and the window is 1.25 sq ft. How much air would enter your cabin in a minute?”
The man thought about the equation for a while, tried to answer it but failed. So he was rejected and returned to the waiting room and his friend in despair.
He quickly told his friend about the interviewer’s question so he wouldn’t suffer the same fate.
The second friend was called into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed his resume and began with a few mundane questions before asking, “If you are a train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
“Uh, well,” the friend stumbled on the question, “I would take my jacket off, of course.”
The interviewer responded, “Well, what if it was still too hot?”
“I would take off my shirt!” exclaimed the friend.
The interview then asks again, “What if it is still too hot, even without a jacket and your shirt?”
The man then said, “I would take off all my clothes, but I would not open the window!”
One night a blonde nun was praying
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s resume and then asked him a few questions.
The interview was going well until the interviewer asked, “So if you are on a moving train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
The man thought about it for a second and responded, “Well, I would open the window.”
“Amazing!” exclaimed the interviewer and asked, “Let’s say the train is traveling at 100 miles per hour, and the window is 1.25 sq ft. How much air would enter your cabin in a minute?”
The man thought about the equation for a while, tried to answer it but failed. So he was rejected and returned to the waiting room and his friend in despair.
He quickly told his friend about the interviewer’s question so he wouldn’t suffer the same fate.
The second friend was called into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed his resume and began with a few mundane questions before asking, “If you are a train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
“Uh, well,” the friend stumbled on the question, “I would take my jacket off, of course.”
The interviewer responded, “Well, what if it was still too hot?”
“I would take off my shirt!” exclaimed the friend.
The interview then asks again, “What if it is still too hot, even without a jacket and your shirt?”
The man then said, “I would take off all my clothes, but I would not open the window!”
One night a blonde nun was praying
Two blonde girls walk into a store
29.
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
30.
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.
What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.
“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.
What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.
“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
Tags:
Eng Jokes
