Jokes So Funny, You’ll Want to Share Them with Everyone 07

1.



A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field

2.



After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her.
Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
A man had the worst day of his life

3.



At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car

4.



76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight

5.



The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island.
They ask the man why he built the buildings.
“This first building is my house.”
“He says, I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing”.
The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building.
“This second building is my church,” he says “I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me”.
The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building.
“Oh, that one,” the man says.
“That’s the church I USED to go to”.
A hungry Wolf
A gorgeous 19 year old girl

6.



A preacher, a lawyer, and a doctor all do deer hunting.
They go for a few hours without seeing anything, and then they all spot an enormous deer grazing in a field.
They all excitedly shoot at it at the same time.
The deer immediately drops, but they only find one bullet hole.
They argue and debate for hours over who shot the deer, each wanting it claim the trophy of a kill.
After much debate and getting nowhere, they decide to call their friend, who is a Wild Life Expert, to come and examine the deer.
They tell him where they all stood, that they shot it at the same time, and that it dropped immediately.
He looks at it for hours, and he keeps circling the deer, looking all over, and finally said:
“I know who shot the deer”
“Who?” They all asked eagerly.
“It was the preacher.”
The preacher jumps up and down and shouts for joy, while the other two are furious.
“How can you tell that just from looking at the bullet hole?!” They ask angrily
“Well it’s really very simple gentlemen.”
He says calmly. “If you look at the bullet hole, you can see that it goes inside one ear, and comes out the other”
A man goes to the circus
Wife is running in the park

7.



A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat

8.



The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with make love favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
She told her new husband
Johnny going to his first day of school

9.



So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends

10.



A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day

11.



A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
Two old men decide they are close
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping

12.



When the expensive printer photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page,
The office manager called a local repair shop,
where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning,
He said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
A man asked his doctor
While teaching religion class

13.



Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again.
That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude except for a black corset and a pair of black lacy underwear, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: “Why the black underwear?”
She replied: “My melons you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She was standing there with the black underwear on, and he was in his birthday suit except that he was wearing a black rubber.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with this a black rubber?”
“Well.” He said, “I wanted to offer my deepest condolences.”
A little boy boards a public bus
A young banker goes to the tailor

14.



A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop

15.



A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the pub started staring at them.
Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A Chinese man had three daughters

16.



They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog

17.



A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
George raises his beer mug
He looks around and takes a seat

18.



A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter.
He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for those drinks?”
The Scotsman said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!”
The bartender looked him over. “Where’s your black beard?”
The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, “Secret Service!”
Two man went bear hunting
A elderly man goes into a night house

19.



A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students.
She turned to her class and said,
“Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
That’s when the teacher fainted.
Johnny asks his dad
A salesman is talking to an old farmer

20.



A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,
“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head
It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly,
“The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke.
The pastor finally blurted out, “and I can’t remember who she was!”
He knocked on the door of one house
A man asked his doctor

21.



A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court

22.



A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks

23.



Two men are working on a telephone pole.
A little old lady walks by and one of the men yell to her,
“Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”
She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.
The second electrician says,
“I told you it wasn’t live.”
A lady goes into a bar
A old man accidentally crashed his car

24.



At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl

25.



The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town

26.



On New Year’s Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
They were stopped by the police
The Social Security Office

27.



A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
A man walks into a bar and says
A lady walks into the drug store

28.



A police officer asks a thief, “Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
A man lives in a high rise
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline

29.



A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded.
Rome, Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.
You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply.
“We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser.
That’s a terrible airline their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late
So, where are you staying in Rome?
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Testes.”
“Don’t go any further I know that place everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser you and a million other people trying to see him he’ll look the size of an ant.
He shot and dropped a bird
The Magical Lamp

30.



A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-old’s.
She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.
At one point, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
Why do you want more pay
A guy walks into a shoe store