1.
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.
She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.
“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.
She said. “what is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.
“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
A man was sick and tired
A professor of chemistry
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.
She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.
“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.
She said. “what is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.
“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
A man was sick and tired
A professor of chemistry
2.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good!
Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great!
And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
A doctor says to his patient
A man is skydiving enjoying
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good!
Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great!
And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
A doctor says to his patient
A man is skydiving enjoying
3.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
4.
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
5.
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does loving, the woman never achieves peak.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to lovemaking pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an peak.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
“Okay”, says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”
Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming peak.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “You see, THAT’S THE WAY TO WAVE A TOWEL!”
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
A wife found her husband standing
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does loving, the woman never achieves peak.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to lovemaking pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an peak.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
“Okay”, says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”
Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming peak.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “You see, THAT’S THE WAY TO WAVE A TOWEL!”
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
A wife found her husband standing
6.
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
7.
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
8.
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
9.
One late Saturday night, a young guy walks 18-year-old Rachel to her front door.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny .
The alcohol they drank just minutes before, gave him a boost of confidence.
With a smile on his face, he leans with his arm against the wall and says:
“So… How about a bl*wjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”
He answers:
“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” She insists.
He continues, “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way, it’s too risky.”
The light turns on
The boyfriend is now super horny:
“Please… I love you so much!”
She answers with a sad voice: “I love you too, but I just can’t…
I would never be able to look at my parents in the eyes again.”
“Please?..” the guy continues, now really desperate.
Out of the blue, the light on the door turns on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her shorts with messy hair.
In a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a bl*wjob.
Or mom can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.
But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.
A blonde woman walking down the street
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
One late Saturday night, a young guy walks 18-year-old Rachel to her front door.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny .
The alcohol they drank just minutes before, gave him a boost of confidence.
With a smile on his face, he leans with his arm against the wall and says:
“So… How about a bl*wjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”
He answers:
“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” She insists.
He continues, “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way, it’s too risky.”
The light turns on
The boyfriend is now super horny:
“Please… I love you so much!”
She answers with a sad voice: “I love you too, but I just can’t…
I would never be able to look at my parents in the eyes again.”
“Please?..” the guy continues, now really desperate.
Out of the blue, the light on the door turns on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her shorts with messy hair.
In a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a bl*wjob.
Or mom can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.
But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.
A blonde woman walking down the street
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
10.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days, then skip a day …… And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded ‘I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from all the bloody skipping !!
The crate of chicken’s
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days, then skip a day …… And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded ‘I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from all the bloody skipping !!
The crate of chicken’s
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
11.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman
12.
Two cannibals were walling down the street.
They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they’re walking together, one turns to the other and says: “I don’t feel so good.”
The other one goes: “What’s wrong?”
The first one whimpers: “My tummy, it hurts.”
The second one says: “It must have been something you’ve eaten.
Do you remember anything you’ve eaten recently?”
The first one says: “Oh Yeah! I had boiled some of those cross-wearing men in brown clothes yesterday.”
the second one immediately understands, and replies: “I know why your tummy is hurting! You cooked them wrong!”
“I cooked those strange, bald-on-the-top-of-their-heads-men wrong? What did I do?”
“Those are friars.”
I was walking through the city
Some scientists created a machine
Two cannibals were walling down the street.
They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they’re walking together, one turns to the other and says: “I don’t feel so good.”
The other one goes: “What’s wrong?”
The first one whimpers: “My tummy, it hurts.”
The second one says: “It must have been something you’ve eaten.
Do you remember anything you’ve eaten recently?”
The first one says: “Oh Yeah! I had boiled some of those cross-wearing men in brown clothes yesterday.”
the second one immediately understands, and replies: “I know why your tummy is hurting! You cooked them wrong!”
“I cooked those strange, bald-on-the-top-of-their-heads-men wrong? What did I do?”
“Those are friars.”
I was walking through the city
Some scientists created a machine
13.
There are two siblings.
A little brother and a big brother.
Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have s***.
So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home.
So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room.
Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed.
When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have making love.
The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.”
The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up.
He quietly remarks, ” can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
Teacher asks what is love
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
There are two siblings.
A little brother and a big brother.
Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have s***.
So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home.
So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room.
Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed.
When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have making love.
The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.”
The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up.
He quietly remarks, ” can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
Teacher asks what is love
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
14.
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
15.
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away they did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.”
“Property?” she replies no he had a window cleaning round.
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A mathematician and plumber
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away they did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.”
“Property?” she replies no he had a window cleaning round.
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A mathematician and plumber
16.
A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.
Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far.
Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.
So wife relaxed watching this n*de statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, “Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
Wife says, “Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall.”
A woman goes to her doctor
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.
Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far.
Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.
So wife relaxed watching this n*de statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, “Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
Wife says, “Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall.”
A woman goes to her doctor
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
17.
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
18.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
19.
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
20.
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched.
The older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no we’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet It’s his turn to use our the teeth.
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A very elderly couple
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched.
The older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no we’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet It’s his turn to use our the teeth.
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A very elderly couple
21.
My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up
My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up
22.
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
A mother comes home from work
A man and a woman are sleeping
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
A mother comes home from work
A man and a woman are sleeping
23.
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
24.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
25.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
A couple were talking on the phone
A young lady settled down in her local train
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
A couple were talking on the phone
A young lady settled down in her local train
26.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
She woke up and told her husband
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
She woke up and told her husband
27.
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
28.
The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard.
He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom.
Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room.
“Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard.
He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom.
Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room.
“Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
29.
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
‘Listen,’ said the CEO, ‘this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?’
‘Certainly,’ said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
‘Excellent, excellent!’ said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. ‘I just need one copy.’
Two elderly excited women were sitting
He immediately turns to her
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
‘Listen,’ said the CEO, ‘this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?’
‘Certainly,’ said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
‘Excellent, excellent!’ said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. ‘I just need one copy.’
Two elderly excited women were sitting
He immediately turns to her
30.
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink
Tags:
Eng Jokes
