1.
There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant.
On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant.
On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
2.
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
3.
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.00 and that Continues for a year.
Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $1.50
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00
“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.
“First you give me $2.00 every day, then $1.50 and now only $1.00 What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says,
“last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut the costs.
This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar,
“I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant
A man stands before St. Peter
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.00 and that Continues for a year.
Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $1.50
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00
“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.
“First you give me $2.00 every day, then $1.50 and now only $1.00 What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says,
“last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut the costs.
This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar,
“I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant
A man stands before St. Peter
4.
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
5.
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
6.
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
7.
“$85 for an extraction, Ma’am,” was the dentists reply.
“Och huv ye nay got anything cheaper,” replies the Scottish lass getting agitated.
“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, Ma’am,” replied the dentist.
“What abut if ye did nae use any anesthetic?” asked Maggie hopefully.
“Well it’s highly unusual, Ma’am, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $65.”
“What abut if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi’ too anesthetic?” asked the Scottish lass.
“Well it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism
It’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40.”
“Och that’s still a bit much, how ab too if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watching’ and learning’?”
The dentist replied, “Well OK it’ll be good for the students, I suppose
I’ll charge you only $5 in that case, but it will be a traumatic experience.”
“Now yer talking’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said Maggie.
“Can ye book the hubby in for next Wednesday?”
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
A Greedy Cup
“$85 for an extraction, Ma’am,” was the dentists reply.
“Och huv ye nay got anything cheaper,” replies the Scottish lass getting agitated.
“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, Ma’am,” replied the dentist.
“What abut if ye did nae use any anesthetic?” asked Maggie hopefully.
“Well it’s highly unusual, Ma’am, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $65.”
“What abut if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi’ too anesthetic?” asked the Scottish lass.
“Well it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism
It’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40.”
“Och that’s still a bit much, how ab too if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watching’ and learning’?”
The dentist replied, “Well OK it’ll be good for the students, I suppose
I’ll charge you only $5 in that case, but it will be a traumatic experience.”
“Now yer talking’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said Maggie.
“Can ye book the hubby in for next Wednesday?”
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
A Greedy Cup
8.
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
9.
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son and his allowance.
“Well, darling,” said Mr. O’Henry, “I had a long talk with him last week about the value of a dollar.”
“I know,” she replied, “the other day he asked for his allowance in Yen.”
A blonde was hard up for money
This elderly couple is watching television
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son and his allowance.
“Well, darling,” said Mr. O’Henry, “I had a long talk with him last week about the value of a dollar.”
“I know,” she replied, “the other day he asked for his allowance in Yen.”
A blonde was hard up for money
This elderly couple is watching television
10.
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
11.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A frail old man is put in to a care home
12.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
13.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night when he notices a man, disheveled and looking rather worse for wear, standing outside, tapping on the door.
The manager opens the door, assuming the man is homeless.
“Sorry, mate, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare fork going, would you?”, the homeless guy asks.
“Sure,” the manager tells him, as he grabs a fork from the cutlery drawer he’d been cleaning and hands it to him. The homeless guy tips his hat in gesture and walks away.
Five minutes later, the manager hears yet another knock on the glass, and sees a man of a similar state standing outside his restaurant. The manager sighs as he opens the door.
“Sorry to bother you so late, pal. Do you have a spare spoon that you don’t need anymore? Dessert or teaspoon, doesn’t matter which size.”
“You’re the second man looking for a piece of cutlery tonight!”, the manager shouts over his shoulder as he retrieves a dessert spoon from the drawer. He walks back and hands it to him.
“Thanks very much, have a nice night,” the homeless man says, as he walks off into the night.
Shortly after, a third man raps on the restaurant door. Annoyed, the manager storms over to the door and loses his temper.
“What, do you need a knife to go with that set your buddies took from me, too?”
“No, a straw, actually,” replies the homeless man.
The manager shoots him a puzzled look. “A straw? That’s it? What for?”
“Well, some poor lad’s after throwing up outside and all the good bits are gone.”
A teacher is going over farming tools
A husband and wife were out playing golf
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night when he notices a man, disheveled and looking rather worse for wear, standing outside, tapping on the door.
The manager opens the door, assuming the man is homeless.
“Sorry, mate, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare fork going, would you?”, the homeless guy asks.
“Sure,” the manager tells him, as he grabs a fork from the cutlery drawer he’d been cleaning and hands it to him. The homeless guy tips his hat in gesture and walks away.
Five minutes later, the manager hears yet another knock on the glass, and sees a man of a similar state standing outside his restaurant. The manager sighs as he opens the door.
“Sorry to bother you so late, pal. Do you have a spare spoon that you don’t need anymore? Dessert or teaspoon, doesn’t matter which size.”
“You’re the second man looking for a piece of cutlery tonight!”, the manager shouts over his shoulder as he retrieves a dessert spoon from the drawer. He walks back and hands it to him.
“Thanks very much, have a nice night,” the homeless man says, as he walks off into the night.
Shortly after, a third man raps on the restaurant door. Annoyed, the manager storms over to the door and loses his temper.
“What, do you need a knife to go with that set your buddies took from me, too?”
“No, a straw, actually,” replies the homeless man.
The manager shoots him a puzzled look. “A straw? That’s it? What for?”
“Well, some poor lad’s after throwing up outside and all the good bits are gone.”
A teacher is going over farming tools
A husband and wife were out playing golf
14.
Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick:
They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin.
The story went round the whole province.
Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one.
Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said:
‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one.
That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’
‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are.
You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick.
“There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact, you’re being really clever.’
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick:
They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin.
The story went round the whole province.
Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one.
Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said:
‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one.
That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’
‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are.
You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick.
“There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact, you’re being really clever.’
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
15.
The little boy had been looking out of West-jet Airlines plane window on a flight from Toronto to Calgary when he turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn’t think of an answer,
She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”
“Well”, said the flight attendant, “you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West-jet always pulls out on time have your mother explain that to you.”
Joe packs the picnic basket
Inspiring Husband
The little boy had been looking out of West-jet Airlines plane window on a flight from Toronto to Calgary when he turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn’t think of an answer,
She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”
“Well”, said the flight attendant, “you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West-jet always pulls out on time have your mother explain that to you.”
Joe packs the picnic basket
Inspiring Husband
16.
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s resume and then asked him a few questions.
The interview was going well until the interviewer asked, “So if you are on a moving train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
The man thought about it for a second and responded, “Well, I would open the window.”
“Amazing!” exclaimed the interviewer and asked, “Let’s say the train is traveling at 100 miles per hour, and the window is 1.25 sq ft. How much air would enter your cabin in a minute?”
The man thought about the equation for a while, tried to answer it but failed. So he was rejected and returned to the waiting room and his friend in despair.
He quickly told his friend about the interviewer’s question so he wouldn’t suffer the same fate.
The second friend was called into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed his resume and began with a few mundane questions before asking, “If you are a train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
“Uh, well,” the friend stumbled on the question, “I would take my jacket off, of course.”
The interviewer responded, “Well, what if it was still too hot?”
“I would take off my shirt!” exclaimed the friend.
The interview then asks again, “What if it is still too hot, even without a jacket and your shirt?”
The man then said, “I would take off all my clothes, but I would not open the window!”
One night a blonde nun was praying
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s resume and then asked him a few questions.
The interview was going well until the interviewer asked, “So if you are on a moving train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
The man thought about it for a second and responded, “Well, I would open the window.”
“Amazing!” exclaimed the interviewer and asked, “Let’s say the train is traveling at 100 miles per hour, and the window is 1.25 sq ft. How much air would enter your cabin in a minute?”
The man thought about the equation for a while, tried to answer it but failed. So he was rejected and returned to the waiting room and his friend in despair.
He quickly told his friend about the interviewer’s question so he wouldn’t suffer the same fate.
The second friend was called into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed his resume and began with a few mundane questions before asking, “If you are a train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
“Uh, well,” the friend stumbled on the question, “I would take my jacket off, of course.”
The interviewer responded, “Well, what if it was still too hot?”
“I would take off my shirt!” exclaimed the friend.
The interview then asks again, “What if it is still too hot, even without a jacket and your shirt?”
The man then said, “I would take off all my clothes, but I would not open the window!”
One night a blonde nun was praying
Two blonde girls walk into a store
17.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”
The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth
“Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.
The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”
The man was not taken back at all
He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
“I want to thank you for coming to my aid
Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist
I work at the morgue..”
Serious hearing problems
The girlfriend tells her boyfriend
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”
The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth
“Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.
The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”
The man was not taken back at all
He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
“I want to thank you for coming to my aid
Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist
I work at the morgue..”
Serious hearing problems
The girlfriend tells her boyfriend
18.
An old lady calls 911 late one night.
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers “911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them.”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
A senior citizens group charters a bus
A old couple in an old folks home
An old lady calls 911 late one night.
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers “911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them.”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
A senior citizens group charters a bus
A old couple in an old folks home
19.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
20.
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
21.
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her undies line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanks giving and Christmas.”
A group of young children were sitting
A new firefighter was being trained
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her undies line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanks giving and Christmas.”
A group of young children were sitting
A new firefighter was being trained
22.
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,
“Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says,
“Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!
That’s a real talent you’re wasting.
You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.
My kid and I were in a crowded public restroom
A man and woman had been married
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,
“Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says,
“Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!
That’s a real talent you’re wasting.
You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.
My kid and I were in a crowded public restroom
A man and woman had been married
23.
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
24.
My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.
We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.
All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not.
See you on the other side fool they all yelled out as they went in laughing.
Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.
Not to be outdone I went to the car and rummaged through the trunk looking for anything I could use to get past the bouncers.
Nothing but a set of jumper cables….mating it I gotta try.
I tie the cables around my neck as well as I can and go to the doors to present myself pleading to get in.
The bouncer looks me up and down and say’s…OK you can go in….but don’t start anything in there
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.
We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.
All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not.
See you on the other side fool they all yelled out as they went in laughing.
Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.
Not to be outdone I went to the car and rummaged through the trunk looking for anything I could use to get past the bouncers.
Nothing but a set of jumper cables….mating it I gotta try.
I tie the cables around my neck as well as I can and go to the doors to present myself pleading to get in.
The bouncer looks me up and down and say’s…OK you can go in….but don’t start anything in there
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
25.
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
26.
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them.
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
Little Johnny shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.” Miss.
A man is driving down a country road
A old woman walks into a tattoo shop
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them.
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
Little Johnny shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.” Miss.
A man is driving down a country road
A old woman walks into a tattoo shop
27.
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help me.
The pure sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three women were sitting around
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help me.
The pure sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three women were sitting around
28.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.”
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A woman with a minor injury
A neighbor asked his friend
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.”
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A woman with a minor injury
A neighbor asked his friend
29.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
30.
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
In a small town in the old country
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
In a small town in the old country
Tags:
Eng Jokes
