The Best Jokes Ever That Will Brighten Your Day 10

1.



Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples arrived there.
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive.
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
A Priest was being honored
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret

2.



A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop

3.



A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room

4.



A man was in a bad accident and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.
However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The last question of the interview was always the same.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.
“Yes. You’re wearing contacts.”
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you know?”
“You can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any freaking’ ears.”
Three rich men were boasting
A man was out hunting

5.



A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”
Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen

6.



A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him,
“How the hell do the two of you have lovemaking?”
The big guy says, “I just sit there on a chair, she sits on top, and I love her up and down.”
His friend says, “You know, that don’t sound too bad.”
The big guy says, “Well, it’s kind of like hand practice, only I got somebody to talk to.”
A man went fishing one day
A very shy guy goes into a pub

7.



Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse

8.



A father has three daughters who are all getting married on the same day.
He asks his oldest daughter, “Whom do you wish to marry?
She says, “Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.”
He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question.
She replies, “Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.”
He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same question.
She replies, “I wish to marry the man with one dragging’ on the floor!”
A guy with a 25-inch tool
A rich lady gives her butler

9.



A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband replies, “he wants my license!”
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”
As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio
“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable.”
She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth s!!!!!!!t, constantly belittled me.
The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A new young blonde bride calls her mother

10.



A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse

11.



Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great

12.



Mr. Dwight was conducting a lecture on the proper use of punctuation marks.
To ensure that his students have effectively learned a thing or two from his lessons, he conducted a brief exercise for them.
He went to the blackboard and wrote, “Woman without her man is useless”.
He called on two students a boy and a girl to place the proper punctuation’s in the given phrase.
To his amusement, the two had different answers.
The boy wrote, “Woman, without her man, is useless”.
Whereas, the girl wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is useless.”
She asks a man standing by
Three rich men were boasting

13.



A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his bared patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A old man was having his annual checkup

14.



A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story.
As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.
Then she came across the drawing of one little boy.
He was busy drawing a man driving an old car.
“In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
“It’s a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question.
“Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn’t it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
A elderly lady was well-known
The doctor entered the room and advised

15.



I was playing a big game of hide and seek when I went camping with a big group.
We were devided in teams of two and we had to stay hidden in a big forrest for as long as possible.
I was put in a team with my little brother.
After searching for a good spot we eventually settled in a watchtower.
We agreed that one person stood watch and the other could rest.
My brother began on watch and I told him that we couldn’t talk because else someone may hear us.
So I said that he had to move his head up and down to give me a gesture that it was save to go to the toilet.
He asked me “really, isn’t that a bit overkill?” So I told him “yeah, I shit you nod
Ted was a young boy
A prist is drowing

16.



A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small what room are they for?”
The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”
A guy and a girl met at a bar
A young lad was visiting a church

17.



If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar

18.



“Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people
The father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”
The king of a small African nation
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo

19.



A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful you guessed it blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A older man was driving down
A police officer in a small town stopped

20.



Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter

21.



A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married

22.



The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip.”
The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself.”
The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun.”
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, “No tuition this weekend.”
The boy calls his grand father, “Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together.”
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, “Business trip is cancelled
I’m going to spend weekend with my grandson.”
The secretary calls husband, “I won’t be going.”
The husband calls his girlfriend, “I am sorry My wife is not going.”
The girlfriend calls boy, “You have tuition.”
Boy calls his grandpa and says, “Sorry grandpa I’ve classes.”
The grandpa calls secretary….
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Hey lady, you are really ugly

23.



A guy’s partner called him late at night worried that he wasn’t home yet
Partner: Where have you been? It’s near 3 am. And you sound very tense. What’s happened?
Guy: Oh God! I’m in the car.
But somebody has stolen the steering wheel! I don’t know what to do.
On top of that it’s raining like crazy and the car is getting flooded.
Partner: Are you drunk again?
Guy: Just a few beers. But that has nothing to do with this. Can you call someone?
Partner: Ok, listen to me. Just shut up and close your eyes. First, breathe.
Guy: Ok.
Partner: Now, get out of the passenger seat and go sit in the driver’s seat.
Guy: Woah!
Partner: Also, don’t drive, I’m coming to get you. (Drunk driving is bad, folks!)
Guy: Ok…
Partner: Finally, stop peeing. It’s not rained in three months.
Two guys walking in front of a large church
After returning from his honeymoon

24.



Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.
One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.”
“Thanks,” he said, and took a long pull from the container.
“Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back the whiskey.
“Well, I’d rather not,” said the first.
“At least not until after the police have been here.”
A man asked his wife
A drunken man walked into a bar

25.



A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor

26.



A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her melons in the mirror.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the melons of a 25 year old.”
The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year old bum?”
She replies, “Frankly dear, your name never came up.”
A Girl Scout troop leader
Mr. john goes to the doctor

27.



An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
A man calls home to his wife

28.



An elderly woman went to the doctor complaining of recent intestinal problems.
“Doctor I have terrible gas lately, but it doesn’t smell or make noise.”
The doctor prescribed some pills and told the elderly woman to return in two weeks.
After two weeks the woman returned to the doctor saying, “Doctor, I don’t know what were in those pills, but now my gas smells terrible!”
The doctor said, “I see we have cleared up your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole

29.



A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny

30.



Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
A woman starts dating a doctor