1.
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”
The second old fogy one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”
This lady is shopping in a supermarket
Two guys were discussing life
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”
The second old fogy one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”
This lady is shopping in a supermarket
Two guys were discussing life
2.
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.
One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, “You think you have family problems?”
Listen to my situation..
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom.
My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!
A old man was sitting at the river
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.
One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, “You think you have family problems?”
Listen to my situation..
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom.
My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!
A old man was sitting at the river
Two men are having slow round of golf
3.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
4.
Three friends who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king,
“I brought ten apples.”
The king then explained the trial to him.
“You have to shove the fruits up your bum without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten up.”
Two apples went in?..
But on the third one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”
The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples
George was planning on going out
A woman and a baby were
Three friends who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king,
“I brought ten apples.”
The king then explained the trial to him.
“You have to shove the fruits up your bum without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten up.”
Two apples went in?..
But on the third one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”
The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples
George was planning on going out
A woman and a baby were
5.
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer:
“Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
A blind guy on a bar stool
John was talking to his fiance
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer:
“Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
A blind guy on a bar stool
John was talking to his fiance
6.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry That’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me
What do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky
That’s his third bear this week.”
A little turtle
A beautiful parrot
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry That’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me
What do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky
That’s his third bear this week.”
A little turtle
A beautiful parrot
7.
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said,
“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know in all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.”
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”
Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Well I did what I had to do Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that you saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?”
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.
“I recall that,” says Chuck.
“And you did it to save my life so of course I can forgive you for that now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Beth said.
“So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
Husband in bed with a young
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said,
“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know in all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.”
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”
Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Well I did what I had to do Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that you saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?”
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.
“I recall that,” says Chuck.
“And you did it to save my life so of course I can forgive you for that now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Beth said.
“So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
Husband in bed with a young
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
8.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
9.
A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up.
He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can’t tell which is which.
He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone.
“Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has HIV or Alzheimer’s Disease, I don’t know which.”
“Well, what should I do?” asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
“Drop her off at the edge of town,” says the doctor, “and if she finds her way back, don’t bang her!”
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up.
He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can’t tell which is which.
He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone.
“Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has HIV or Alzheimer’s Disease, I don’t know which.”
“Well, what should I do?” asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
“Drop her off at the edge of town,” says the doctor, “and if she finds her way back, don’t bang her!”
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
10.
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asked, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
A young Japanese girl had been taught
A couple of tourists were dining
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asked, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
A young Japanese girl had been taught
A couple of tourists were dining
11.
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school
12.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
13.
Three women are talking about their make love lives.
One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
A grade school teacher was asking students
A magician was working on a cruise ship
Three women are talking about their make love lives.
One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
A grade school teacher was asking students
A magician was working on a cruise ship
14.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
Man And Ostrich
The rule of a king
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
Man And Ostrich
The rule of a king
15.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time,
The therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and ki$$$$$$ed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
A man returns home a day early
A wife asked her husband to drop
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time,
The therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and ki$$$$$$ed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
A man returns home a day early
A wife asked her husband to drop
16.
A man died and went to straight down to hell.
The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place.
He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man could”t even breathe.
He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured.
It looked so painful the man could not watch.
He told the devil he definitely did”t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing.
The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat.
He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice.
After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
Three men are playing golf
A man died and went to straight down to hell.
The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place.
He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man could”t even breathe.
He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured.
It looked so painful the man could not watch.
He told the devil he definitely did”t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing.
The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat.
He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice.
After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
Three men are playing golf
17.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought… He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
A man was crossing a road one day
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought… He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
A man was crossing a road one day
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
18.
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No?”
“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make rubber pack.”
A woman meets with her lover
They decided to go for a swim
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No?”
“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make rubber pack.”
A woman meets with her lover
They decided to go for a swim
19.
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”
The blonde said “No! A bet’s a bet”.
So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”
The blonde replied “well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
A old man was sitting on a bus
A man walks into a bar and says
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”
The blonde said “No! A bet’s a bet”.
So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”
The blonde replied “well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
A old man was sitting on a bus
A man walks into a bar and says
20.
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr.., it goes.. click!”
The boss joined a group of his workers
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr.., it goes.. click!”
The boss joined a group of his workers
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
21.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
22.
Two drunks are talking in a bar…
The first one says “You know what’s weird about city hall? When they built it they didn’t take into account wind loads. We get so much wind here the top floor rocks back and forth 20 feet”
The second one says “yeah, but because of that wind you can jump off the roof of the building across the street, and the wind will catch you and blow you right back to the top.”
“Bullshit! You’re having me on.”
“It’s true!”
They argue back and forth for a while until the second drunk slams down his glass and says “I’ll prove it.”
They stagger across the street to the other building and climb the stairs to the roof.
Second drunk: “Watch!”
Before the first drunk can stop him, he jumps off the roof.
He plunges several storeys but then – swoosh! – he soars right back up and drops gracefully back onto the roof.
The first drunk stand there, his mouth hanging open in amazement.
“I’ve gotta try this!” He leaps off the building,plunges, and… splat.
The second drunk shrugs and goes back to the bar.
As he walks in alone, with a crowd gathering around the body of the first drunk across the street, the bartender looks at him and shakes his head.
“You make a mean drunk, Superman.”
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
Once there was a young man whose friends
Two drunks are talking in a bar…
The first one says “You know what’s weird about city hall? When they built it they didn’t take into account wind loads. We get so much wind here the top floor rocks back and forth 20 feet”
The second one says “yeah, but because of that wind you can jump off the roof of the building across the street, and the wind will catch you and blow you right back to the top.”
“Bullshit! You’re having me on.”
“It’s true!”
They argue back and forth for a while until the second drunk slams down his glass and says “I’ll prove it.”
They stagger across the street to the other building and climb the stairs to the roof.
Second drunk: “Watch!”
Before the first drunk can stop him, he jumps off the roof.
He plunges several storeys but then – swoosh! – he soars right back up and drops gracefully back onto the roof.
The first drunk stand there, his mouth hanging open in amazement.
“I’ve gotta try this!” He leaps off the building,plunges, and… splat.
The second drunk shrugs and goes back to the bar.
As he walks in alone, with a crowd gathering around the body of the first drunk across the street, the bartender looks at him and shakes his head.
“You make a mean drunk, Superman.”
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
Once there was a young man whose friends
23.
A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers
She’s hit three times in the abdomen and immediately rushed to the ER.
They perform an emergency cesarian section and remove seemingly three healthy children – 2 girls and a boy.
Further examination shows no sign of any shrapnel.
The doctors monitor closely the new family but nothing seems amiss.
Life goes on apparently uneventful.
However some thirteen years later, one of the daughters comes down and exclaims ‘Mummy Mummy!
I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother explains the story and reassures her daughter.
Then the second daughter comes running down ‘Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother again explains the story and reassures her other daughter.
Finally the little boy comes down ‘Mummy Mummy!’ – the mother stops him there ‘ I know – you went for a wee and a bullet came out’ ‘Actually Mum – I was having a wank and I shot the cat’
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
A woman goes into a store
A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers
She’s hit three times in the abdomen and immediately rushed to the ER.
They perform an emergency cesarian section and remove seemingly three healthy children – 2 girls and a boy.
Further examination shows no sign of any shrapnel.
The doctors monitor closely the new family but nothing seems amiss.
Life goes on apparently uneventful.
However some thirteen years later, one of the daughters comes down and exclaims ‘Mummy Mummy!
I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother explains the story and reassures her daughter.
Then the second daughter comes running down ‘Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother again explains the story and reassures her other daughter.
Finally the little boy comes down ‘Mummy Mummy!’ – the mother stops him there ‘ I know – you went for a wee and a bullet came out’ ‘Actually Mum – I was having a wank and I shot the cat’
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
A woman goes into a store
24.
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
25.
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.
When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man among-st the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, Yes you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
The restaurant went silent.
A married couple went to the hospital
The John’s grandpa
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.
When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man among-st the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, Yes you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
The restaurant went silent.
A married couple went to the hospital
The John’s grandpa
26.
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
27.
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
28.
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
29.
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader
30.
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A dad was having a conversation with his son
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A dad was having a conversation with his son
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
Tags:
Eng Jokes
