1.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
2.
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles.
“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of lovemaking, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!”
A husband and wife decided
A young couple decided to wed
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles.
“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of lovemaking, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!”
A husband and wife decided
A young couple decided to wed
3.
A old couple are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to.”
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. ”
He gets up and walks away!
She said, “Honey where are you going.”
He said, “gotta go get my teeth.”
A woman was in bed with her lover
A couple were having an argument
A old couple are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to.”
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. ”
He gets up and walks away!
She said, “Honey where are you going.”
He said, “gotta go get my teeth.”
A woman was in bed with her lover
A couple were having an argument
4.
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
5.
A police officer asks a thief.
“Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
God save the person
3 men are playing golf
A police officer asks a thief.
“Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
God save the person
3 men are playing golf
6.
Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.
When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.
So tell me, said Sam, sitting the young man down.
What are your plans for the future?
“Well”, said the Groom.
“I plan on studying holy works all of my life. And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day? questioned Sam.”
I am sure The Lord will provide. Answered the young man. And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?
The Lord will provide answered the young man again. How did it go? asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.
It went great Sam replied. I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!
Harry had been feeling sick lately
A drunk phoned the local police
Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.
When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.
So tell me, said Sam, sitting the young man down.
What are your plans for the future?
“Well”, said the Groom.
“I plan on studying holy works all of my life. And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day? questioned Sam.”
I am sure The Lord will provide. Answered the young man. And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?
The Lord will provide answered the young man again. How did it go? asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.
It went great Sam replied. I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!
Harry had been feeling sick lately
A drunk phoned the local police
7.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel his wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again, I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.
She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck.
“I want a house.” She says insistently up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too.”
She continues 65mph and, she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel his wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again, I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.
She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck.
“I want a house.” She says insistently up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too.”
She continues 65mph and, she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
8.
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
A lady was walking down the street
A blonde was so upset
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
A lady was walking down the street
A blonde was so upset
9.
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
10.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
11.
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
12.
A boss said to his secretary
I want to have make love with you
I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still bang.
A little boy walks in on his parents
The son asks the father
A boss said to his secretary
I want to have make love with you
I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still bang.
A little boy walks in on his parents
The son asks the father
13.
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
14.
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
15.
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
16.
“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
17.
A plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
A old man went to the Doctor
A blonde came home from school
A plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
A old man went to the Doctor
A blonde came home from school
18.
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
19.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two men were traveling in company
There was an old man who had a dream
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two men were traveling in company
There was an old man who had a dream
20.
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A American girl was visiting England
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A American girl was visiting England
21.
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.
One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.
The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.
The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?
He says no, how do you do that?
The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.
So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.
When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know that’s going to get hard before you eat all that?
And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!
The car speed off the highway
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.
One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.
The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.
The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?
He says no, how do you do that?
The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.
So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.
When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know that’s going to get hard before you eat all that?
And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!
The car speed off the highway
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
22.
It was a dark, stormy, night.
The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”
The officer signals for her to pull over
The disciple asked the master
It was a dark, stormy, night.
The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”
The officer signals for her to pull over
The disciple asked the master
23.
A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied,
“I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother but I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars.”
The man smiled and said, “Come on in with me, I’ll buy you a rose.”
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother’s flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, “Yes, please! You can take me to my mother.”
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother’s house.
Your presence makes the heart of your mother rejoice.
Translating Monk Texts
The little old woman
A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied,
“I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother but I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars.”
The man smiled and said, “Come on in with me, I’ll buy you a rose.”
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother’s flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, “Yes, please! You can take me to my mother.”
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother’s house.
Your presence makes the heart of your mother rejoice.
Translating Monk Texts
The little old woman
24.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”
A guy walks into the human resources department
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”
A guy walks into the human resources department
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
25.
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
26.
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
Blonde Become His Stepmother
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
Blonde Become His Stepmother
27.
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed.
They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor.
“Oh there aren’t many differences at all just a few minor details,” replied the pastor.
The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: “Pull down your pants,”
“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded.
“I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
Ole and Lena are having make love
A young pure couple is finally wed
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed.
They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor.
“Oh there aren’t many differences at all just a few minor details,” replied the pastor.
The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: “Pull down your pants,”
“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded.
“I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
Ole and Lena are having make love
A young pure couple is finally wed
28.
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot.
It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector.
He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late.
Both parents were understandably angry.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?”, they asked.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What did you watch?”, asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.”
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called S*x Queen.”
“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John.
“When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.”
The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair,
but out the back door and half way across the patio.
When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!”
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once, but three times.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
A young man strides into a chemist
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot.
It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector.
He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late.
Both parents were understandably angry.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?”, they asked.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What did you watch?”, asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.”
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called S*x Queen.”
“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John.
“When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.”
The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair,
but out the back door and half way across the patio.
When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!”
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once, but three times.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
A young man strides into a chemist
29.
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
30.
A man was called in for an audit by Revenue Canada, He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes let them think you are a pauper”, the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, “Don’t let them intimidate you wear your best suit and an expensive tie”.
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the minister.
“A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.”
Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice her friend told her to wear her most hot negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel.
The man protested, “But Reverend Sir, what does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada”?
Replied the reverend, “It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re still going to get scr*wed”.
Let us enjoy reading this story
The manager of a men’s clothing store
A man was called in for an audit by Revenue Canada, He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes let them think you are a pauper”, the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, “Don’t let them intimidate you wear your best suit and an expensive tie”.
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the minister.
“A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.”
Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice her friend told her to wear her most hot negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel.
The man protested, “But Reverend Sir, what does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada”?
Replied the reverend, “It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re still going to get scr*wed”.
Let us enjoy reading this story
The manager of a men’s clothing store
Tags:
Eng Jokes
