1.
She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes.
As she’s walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
She thought this was a bit odd, but decides to ignore it and keeps on walking.
A few moments later she runs into another nun who says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
By the end of the hallway and after 5 more encounters the nun is FURIOUS, and marches straight to the head sister’s office and throws the door open.
The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts, “DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT’S ALL I’VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I’M FED UP WITH IT!”
The head nun, stunned, says calmly, “I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask why are you wearing the bishop’s slippers?”
The Hunter And A Bear
A guy asked a girl in the library
She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes.
As she’s walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
She thought this was a bit odd, but decides to ignore it and keeps on walking.
A few moments later she runs into another nun who says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
By the end of the hallway and after 5 more encounters the nun is FURIOUS, and marches straight to the head sister’s office and throws the door open.
The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts, “DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT’S ALL I’VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I’M FED UP WITH IT!”
The head nun, stunned, says calmly, “I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask why are you wearing the bishop’s slippers?”
The Hunter And A Bear
A guy asked a girl in the library
2.
A kid asks his father “Dad whats politics?”
“Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of you and your needs, so we’ll call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?”
“I’m not sure, Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
Late that night, the boy’s sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother.
He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper.
He went to his parents’ room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn’t hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father.
“Dad I now think I understand what politics is.”
“Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words.”
“Well Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
A kid asks his father “Dad whats politics?”
“Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of you and your needs, so we’ll call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?”
“I’m not sure, Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
Late that night, the boy’s sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother.
He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper.
He went to his parents’ room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn’t hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father.
“Dad I now think I understand what politics is.”
“Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words.”
“Well Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
3.
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
4.
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing.
She ask her mom “Mommy why are those two girls kissing?”
The mother then Replied “Oh their just making a cake.
The little girls says “Oh Okay”.
The very next day the little girl is watching TV and she see two black guys kissing.
She asked her mother “Mommy why are those two guys kissing?”
The mother Replied again “Oh their just making a cake.”
The little girl says again “Oh Okay”.
The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face her mother ask “Why such a smile?”
The little girl replies “I seen you and daddy make a cake last night.”
The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says “Oh really how’s that?”
The little girl Replied “I lick the frosting off the couch.”
During lunch at work last week
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing.
She ask her mom “Mommy why are those two girls kissing?”
The mother then Replied “Oh their just making a cake.
The little girls says “Oh Okay”.
The very next day the little girl is watching TV and she see two black guys kissing.
She asked her mother “Mommy why are those two guys kissing?”
The mother Replied again “Oh their just making a cake.”
The little girl says again “Oh Okay”.
The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face her mother ask “Why such a smile?”
The little girl replies “I seen you and daddy make a cake last night.”
The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says “Oh really how’s that?”
The little girl Replied “I lick the frosting off the couch.”
During lunch at work last week
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
5.
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed.
The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?”
Grandpa replies, “Nope.”
Teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe make love?”
Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”
A husband visited a marriage counselor
A blonde was hard up for money
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed.
The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?”
Grandpa replies, “Nope.”
Teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe make love?”
Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”
A husband visited a marriage counselor
A blonde was hard up for money
6.
A guy was in an elevator one day and noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.
He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “
3rd floor” she replied, “I come here once a month to donate blood and they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen and they pay me $200”.
Just then the elevator door opened and the woman stepped out.
The next month the guy was in the same elevator and noticed the same woman running to make it in.
He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?”
With her mouth completely full she looked at him and said “mph, mph, fif floor.”
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
John goes to a doctor
A guy was in an elevator one day and noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.
He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “
3rd floor” she replied, “I come here once a month to donate blood and they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen and they pay me $200”.
Just then the elevator door opened and the woman stepped out.
The next month the guy was in the same elevator and noticed the same woman running to make it in.
He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?”
With her mouth completely full she looked at him and said “mph, mph, fif floor.”
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
John goes to a doctor
7.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
8.
A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.
He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
“What?” shouted the boss, “I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”
“Are you nuts?” he replied.
“That would have ruined my whole vacation.”
Tom was getting a check up
A man offers a girl in his office
A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.
He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
“What?” shouted the boss, “I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”
“Are you nuts?” he replied.
“That would have ruined my whole vacation.”
Tom was getting a check up
A man offers a girl in his office
9.
I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.
So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.
None of us knew how to react or how to feel.
I should have never posted the video.
I should have put the cameras down and stopped recording what we were going through.
There’s a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn’t and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.
I want to apologize to the Internet.
I want to apologize to anyone who’s seen the video.
I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family.
For my fans who are defending my actions please don’t they do not deserve to be defended.
The goal with my content is always to entertain to push the boundaries to be all inclusive in the world I live in.
I share almost everything I do the intent is never to be heartless cruel or malicious.
Like I said I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m just here to apologize.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and I promise to be better.
I will be better thank you
There are 2 different approaches for
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.
So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.
None of us knew how to react or how to feel.
I should have never posted the video.
I should have put the cameras down and stopped recording what we were going through.
There’s a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn’t and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.
I want to apologize to the Internet.
I want to apologize to anyone who’s seen the video.
I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family.
For my fans who are defending my actions please don’t they do not deserve to be defended.
The goal with my content is always to entertain to push the boundaries to be all inclusive in the world I live in.
I share almost everything I do the intent is never to be heartless cruel or malicious.
Like I said I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m just here to apologize.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and I promise to be better.
I will be better thank you
There are 2 different approaches for
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
10.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
11.
Two men are working on a telephone pole.
A little old lady walks by and one of the men yell to her,
“Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”
She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.
The second electrician says,
“I told you it wasn’t live.”
A lady goes into a bar
A old man accidentally crashed his car
Two men are working on a telephone pole.
A little old lady walks by and one of the men yell to her,
“Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”
She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.
The second electrician says,
“I told you it wasn’t live.”
A lady goes into a bar
A old man accidentally crashed his car
12.
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
13.
A young pure couple is finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
“Pop, what do I do first?”
“Get undressed and climb into bed,” his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
“Get undressed and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
“Now what do I do?” he asks.
His father replies, “Look at her undressed body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!” is the dad’s advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama.
“What do I do now?” she asks.
“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.
“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”
A young couple met with their pastor
9-year old son comes home
A young pure couple is finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
“Pop, what do I do first?”
“Get undressed and climb into bed,” his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
“Get undressed and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
“Now what do I do?” he asks.
His father replies, “Look at her undressed body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!” is the dad’s advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama.
“What do I do now?” she asks.
“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.
“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”
A young couple met with their pastor
9-year old son comes home
14.
A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, “Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can’t help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook.”
His friend replied, “My wife thinks I’m wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish… any more questions?”
“Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that’s what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear.”
His friend answered, “I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!”
Two kids are talking to each other
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, “Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can’t help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook.”
His friend replied, “My wife thinks I’m wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish… any more questions?”
“Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that’s what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear.”
His friend answered, “I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!”
Two kids are talking to each other
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
15.
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
16.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
17.
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
One particular parrot is extremely cheap.
She asks the pet shop owner why.
The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language.
Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. “New brothel, new Madame”.
The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady’s two daughters arrive home.
The parrot pipes up again: “New brothel, new call girl”.
The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home.
Again the parrot pipes up: “Yo Steve, how you doing?”
There was once a man
A guy visits a carnival
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
One particular parrot is extremely cheap.
She asks the pet shop owner why.
The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language.
Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. “New brothel, new Madame”.
The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady’s two daughters arrive home.
The parrot pipes up again: “New brothel, new call girl”.
The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home.
Again the parrot pipes up: “Yo Steve, how you doing?”
There was once a man
A guy visits a carnival
18.
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response.
The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response.
The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
19.
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it’s all different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
A elderly couple was driving across
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it’s all different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
A elderly couple was driving across
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
20.
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
He walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
“So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
A cowboy
A six-foot beetle standing
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
He walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
“So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
A cowboy
A six-foot beetle standing
21.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
22.
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
23.
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me rubber pack please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”
The Pharmacist gives him the rubber pack but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another rubber pack because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”
The Pharmacist gives him another rubber pack and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in.
Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”
A young man excitedly tells his mother
Johnny runs to his dad and says
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me rubber pack please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”
The Pharmacist gives him the rubber pack but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another rubber pack because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”
The Pharmacist gives him another rubber pack and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in.
Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”
A young man excitedly tells his mother
Johnny runs to his dad and says
24.
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
25.
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said.
“I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A tornado hit a farmhouse
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said.
“I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A tornado hit a farmhouse
26.
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
27.
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
A man and his dog walk into a pub
The old man placed an order
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
A man and his dog walk into a pub
The old man placed an order
28.
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him his surprised boss said,”Well, sure.”
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart as he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
I Just Gotta See This
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him his surprised boss said,”Well, sure.”
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart as he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
I Just Gotta See This
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
29.
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
30.
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him.
So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A man went to his dentist
Two guys were in a bar
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him.
So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A man went to his dentist
Two guys were in a bar
Tags:
Eng Jokes
