😆 ROFL-Worthy Jokes 🤣 You Can’t Stop Laughing! 04

1.



A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife

2.



An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
The boss calls his secretary

3.



An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church

4.



A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight”, he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
A wife found her husband standing
The old man says to the woman

5.



A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man walks into a bar orders a drink

6.



After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain.
The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
“Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you,” The Captain tells the recruit.
“Do ye have any questions for me?”
“Well I was wondering…” the recruit started.
“How did you get the peg leg?”
“Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle.
Any other questions, landlubber?”
“Well how did you get the hook then?” the recruit asked.
The Captain grimaced, my hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle.
Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead.”
Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: “How did you get the eye-patch?”
The Captain looked down, embarrassed.
“A seagull pooped in me eye,” he stated coldly.
The recruit seemed surprised. “A seagull?
That doesn’t seem like it would cause you to lose your eye.
Did it get infected?”
“No,” the Captain started.
“It was the day after I got me hook…”
A airline pilot was scheduled
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing

7.



An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy says “It’s a private part willow.”
Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic

8.



A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam,
but I’ll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.”
The mother exclaimed, “A $100!
You said it was only $20!”
“Yes,” replied the dentist,
“but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”
The employer asked the candidate
A boss said to his secretary

9.



A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon

10.



A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses how do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me go find and marry someone else of your level.”
Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall.
She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?”
The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side.
But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said,
“Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!”
“Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man.
“Mr Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss he owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.
The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr Carter I’ve got to get going, I have important things to attend to It was splendid seeing you today have a great day!”
For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”
“Yes, dear he’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story they said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.
Because of that, he worked really hard and because he’s smart, he became successful now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month.
Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”
The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”
The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.
The doctor tells him
Drunken Lady

11.



A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,
“Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two factory workers are talking
A man found a genie in a magic lamp

12.



A little boy once put his hand into a jar.
The jar was full of nuts.
He tried to take out as many as his hand could hold.
But when he tried to pull his hand out, it was too large for the narrow neck of the jar.
The boy don’t want to lose his nuts.
The little boy started to cry.
His mother saw the little boy standing close by, and told him something wise.
“Be happy with half as many, and you will get them easily.”
A Priest was being honored
A teacher from Primary School

13.



Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son.
But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.
This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!”
A lady rubbed a bottle
A old couple were walking on beach

14.



How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband

15.



A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop

16.



There’s a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles.
The man finally stops and the officer tells him, “When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!”
The man says, “Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving.”
The officer says, “I’ve heard every excuse in the book, but if it’s one I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man says, “Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”
So the officer let him go.
John and Bob were discussing
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret

17.



Two men were traveling in company along the road when one of them picked up a well-filled purse.
“How lucky I am!” he said.
“I have found a purse judging by its weight it must be full of gold.”
“Do not say ‘I have found a purse,’” said his companion
“Say rather ‘we have found a purse’ and ‘how lucky we are travelers ought to share alike the fortunes or misfortunes of the road.”
“No, no,” replied the other angrily.
“I found it and I am going to keep it.”
Just then they heard a shout of “Stop, thief!” and looking around, saw a mob of people armed with clubs coming down the road.
The man who had found the purse fell into a panic.
“We are lost if they find the purse on us,” he cried.
“No, no,” replied the other, “You would not say ‘we’ before, so now stick.”
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
One day a friend asked

18.



A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small what room are they for?”
The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”
A guy and a girl met at a bar
A young lad was visiting a church

19.



A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
A airline ticket counter
A cowboy at a bar

20.



Death comes to collect a man’s soul.
When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party.
Death tells the man why he has come.
The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.
The man sadly agrees but asks death if he could at least finish up the party with his family.
Death agrees and they invite him to join the festivities.
While death is distracted with the party, the man quickly moves his name to the bottom of the list.
Death has a great time and at the end of the party he’s in a good mood. He turns to the man and says,
“You know what? Since you’ve treated me to such a great time, I’ll start from the bottom of the list this time.”
Wife Going To Las Vegas
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf

21.



The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print so romantic we felt like newlyweds again I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry-We’ll definitely have a white Christmas no snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again
I don’t think that’s possible
Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night
The temperature dropped to -20
The cold makes everything
sparkle so
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks
This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again
I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way
I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
The local bar was so sure
The Pencil Maker

22.



A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
A woman was terribly overweight
Two drunks are walking along

23.



Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical

24.



A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate.
The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye.
Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”
“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”
“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”
“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”
“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”
“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.
“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.
Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”
After Brian proposed to Jill
A little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer

25.



A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
A Italian girl tells her Mom
One day her husband comes home early

26.



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed.
“He’s my old boyfriend.”
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A pissed-off wife was complaining
A elderly couple was celebrating

27.



A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man released that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It read, “It’s 5:00 am, wake up.”
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A old man in Miami calls up his son

28.



The animals of the forest are having a meeting.
For months on end, there was one big party and the forest looks like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.
They agreed that this can’t go on and voted to go tea total.
The bear was elected sheriff and tasked to control the others.
First day he makes his round.
The fox is sober, so are the wolf and the deer.
The rabbit is missing.
After some search, the rabbit was found pis$ed in his burrow.
The bear gave him a lecture and threatened to kick him out of the forest should be be found drunk again.
Next day, the usual round.
All animals are sober, rabbit missing.
Again, found drunk in his burrow.
The bear gives him one last chance.
Next day all is well, but the rabbit is again missing.
After a long search, the bear takes a break at the lake.
He sees a straw stick out of the water and smells a strong wiff of vodka.
He grabs the straw, pulls it out of the water and is astonished to find the rabbit hanging on to that straw.
He was hiding under water, drunk as never before.
The bear shouts: That’s it, you are out! We animals of the forest took a pledge to quit drinking!
The rabbit squints, burps and answers: Us fish never took no pledge! Leave me alone!
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop

29.



An old man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry.
He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, “Try our Exotic Breakfast now”
So he walks in and sits down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what he wants.
The old man asks, “What’s your Exotic Breakfast?”
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she proudly replies.
The old man shouts, “Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I’d never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth! Urgh!!”
The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, “No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?”
The old man says, “Just bring me some scrambled eggs.”
A man is getting into the shower
A mother mouse and a baby mouse

30.



Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urine test!
Teacher asked a question to kids
She says to the children