1.
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting
2.
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle.
He popped it open and out came a Genie.
“I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke.
Harry couldn’t believe his good luck.
As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office.
“Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice.
OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Brian was pulled over for speeding
Three old ladies are sitting
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle.
He popped it open and out came a Genie.
“I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke.
Harry couldn’t believe his good luck.
As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office.
“Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice.
OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Brian was pulled over for speeding
Three old ladies are sitting
3.
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
4.
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage conference,
Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare
“It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse.
MEN. Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, lovingly patted Ann’s knee and whispered “Gold Medal- All- Purpose isn’t it?”
And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.
Clever Guest & Super Computer
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage conference,
Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare
“It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse.
MEN. Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, lovingly patted Ann’s knee and whispered “Gold Medal- All- Purpose isn’t it?”
And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.
Clever Guest & Super Computer
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
5.
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.
The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life.
“See this big ol’ ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “See that big ol’ nice car out there? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady pulls out her phone and starts showing the other pictures of her house.
“See this big ol’ house right here? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “Well now, I’ve been going on and on about my husband, what has yours done for you?”
Second lady, “My husband sent me to finishing school.”
First lady, with an incredulous tone, “Now why would he do something like that?!”
Second lady, “So I’d learn to say things like, ‘Well, isn’t that nice’, instead of, ‘What the f— ever’”.
The Sleepy Teacher
The doctor tells him
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.
The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life.
“See this big ol’ ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “See that big ol’ nice car out there? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady pulls out her phone and starts showing the other pictures of her house.
“See this big ol’ house right here? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “Well now, I’ve been going on and on about my husband, what has yours done for you?”
Second lady, “My husband sent me to finishing school.”
First lady, with an incredulous tone, “Now why would he do something like that?!”
Second lady, “So I’d learn to say things like, ‘Well, isn’t that nice’, instead of, ‘What the f— ever’”.
The Sleepy Teacher
The doctor tells him
6.
A farmer had a problem with foxes stealing his chickens, so he decided to get a guard dog.
He went to the pet shop and asked for a fierce dog that would protect his chickens.
The shopkeeper showed him a tiny Chihuahua and said,
“This is the best guard dog you can get.”
The farmer was skeptical and asked,
“How can this little thing guard my chickens?”
The shopkeeper said, “Trust me, he’s very smart and very vicious. Just try it out.”
The farmer took the Chihuahua home and put him in the chicken coop.
The next morning, he went to check on his chickens and saw that all of them were gone.
He also saw the Chihuahua lying on the ground, covered in feathers and licking his lips.
The farmer was furious and shouted, “You stupid dog! You ate all my chickens!”
The Chihuahua looked up at him and said, “I told you I was a good guard dog. I just didn’t say who I was guarding them from.”
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
A farmer had a problem with foxes stealing his chickens, so he decided to get a guard dog.
He went to the pet shop and asked for a fierce dog that would protect his chickens.
The shopkeeper showed him a tiny Chihuahua and said,
“This is the best guard dog you can get.”
The farmer was skeptical and asked,
“How can this little thing guard my chickens?”
The shopkeeper said, “Trust me, he’s very smart and very vicious. Just try it out.”
The farmer took the Chihuahua home and put him in the chicken coop.
The next morning, he went to check on his chickens and saw that all of them were gone.
He also saw the Chihuahua lying on the ground, covered in feathers and licking his lips.
The farmer was furious and shouted, “You stupid dog! You ate all my chickens!”
The Chihuahua looked up at him and said, “I told you I was a good guard dog. I just didn’t say who I was guarding them from.”
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
7.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking tequila.”
Finally the Mexican says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear.
Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it.
It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same.
The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
“Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila.”
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him,
“But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says,
“Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle.”
Two guys walking through the woods
A farmer has three daughters
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking tequila.”
Finally the Mexican says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear.
Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it.
It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same.
The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
“Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila.”
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him,
“But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says,
“Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle.”
Two guys walking through the woods
A farmer has three daughters
8.
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
9.
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
10.
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
11.
Sarah’s parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend.
This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents.
Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass.
They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring.
They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face.
He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
“What the heck, Sarah?” asked her mother,
“Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!”
“You’ve got him all wrong,” said Sarah, irritated,
“he’s an incredibly nice and charitable guy.”
“What makes you say that?” asked her father.
“Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community.”
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Two hunters are in the woods
Sarah’s parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend.
This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents.
Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass.
They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring.
They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face.
He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
“What the heck, Sarah?” asked her mother,
“Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!”
“You’ve got him all wrong,” said Sarah, irritated,
“he’s an incredibly nice and charitable guy.”
“What makes you say that?” asked her father.
“Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community.”
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Two hunters are in the woods
12.
A old couple are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to.”
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. ”
He gets up and walks away!
She said, “Honey where are you going.”
He said, “gotta go get my teeth.”
A woman was in bed with her lover
A couple were having an argument
A old couple are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to.”
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. ”
He gets up and walks away!
She said, “Honey where are you going.”
He said, “gotta go get my teeth.”
A woman was in bed with her lover
A couple were having an argument
13.
Once a software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart and the farmer was sleeping peacefully in that cart.
He was very surprised to see this scene and without stopping he said to the farmer,
“If the bull stopped, you wouldn’t understand.”
Farmer: Understand sir, if the bull stops walking, the bell will not ring.
The engineer thought for a minute and said.
“But what if this bull stopped in one place and just kept moving his neck?
The farmer quietly replied: Our bull doesn’t work in the corporate sector, sir!”
Two blonde gals at the casino
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
Once a software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart and the farmer was sleeping peacefully in that cart.
He was very surprised to see this scene and without stopping he said to the farmer,
“If the bull stopped, you wouldn’t understand.”
Farmer: Understand sir, if the bull stops walking, the bell will not ring.
The engineer thought for a minute and said.
“But what if this bull stopped in one place and just kept moving his neck?
The farmer quietly replied: Our bull doesn’t work in the corporate sector, sir!”
Two blonde gals at the casino
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
14.
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
15.
A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some days later, the slave’s master comes hunting to the forest and catches many animals and cages them.
The slave is spotted by the masters’ men who catch him and bring him to the cruel master.
The master asks for the slave to be thrown into the lion’s cage.
The slave is awaiting his death in the cage when he realizes that it is the same lion that he had helped.
The slave rescued the lion and all other caged animals.
Moral of the story: One should help others in need, we get the rewards of our helpful acts in return.
Cimon And Pero’s Story
Tickle Me Elmo toys
A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some days later, the slave’s master comes hunting to the forest and catches many animals and cages them.
The slave is spotted by the masters’ men who catch him and bring him to the cruel master.
The master asks for the slave to be thrown into the lion’s cage.
The slave is awaiting his death in the cage when he realizes that it is the same lion that he had helped.
The slave rescued the lion and all other caged animals.
Moral of the story: One should help others in need, we get the rewards of our helpful acts in return.
Cimon And Pero’s Story
Tickle Me Elmo toys
16.
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
17.
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
18.
One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying undressed on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual but I continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
“Do you know there are six ladies laying undressed on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” he said.
“They are retired call girl and they’re having a yard sale!”
Undressing
Biker In A Roadside Bar
One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying undressed on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual but I continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
“Do you know there are six ladies laying undressed on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” he said.
“They are retired call girl and they’re having a yard sale!”
Undressing
Biker In A Roadside Bar
19.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
20.
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
21.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
22.
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work.
After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”
A dad walks into a market with son
A man rushes into his house
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work.
After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”
A dad walks into a market with son
A man rushes into his house
23.
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.
He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.”
Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.”
He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”
A man had been drinking
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.
He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.”
Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.”
He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”
A man had been drinking
A blonde was complaining to her friend
24.
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors
25.
A man and his son were walking together one day and stumbled across 2 dogs having make love.
“Why is that dog hurting the other one?” asked the boy.
“He’s not hurting her,” said the dad “they’re making a puppy.”
A couple of nights later the boy walks in on his dad and mom making love and asks “Daddy why are you hurting mommy?”
“I’m not hurting mommy” said the dad, “We’re making you a baby brother.
“Excitedly the boy screamed “Flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”
The doctor asked the patient
A husband was sitting on the sofa
A man and his son were walking together one day and stumbled across 2 dogs having make love.
“Why is that dog hurting the other one?” asked the boy.
“He’s not hurting her,” said the dad “they’re making a puppy.”
A couple of nights later the boy walks in on his dad and mom making love and asks “Daddy why are you hurting mommy?”
“I’m not hurting mommy” said the dad, “We’re making you a baby brother.
“Excitedly the boy screamed “Flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”
The doctor asked the patient
A husband was sitting on the sofa
26.
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
27.
On the first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.
One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”
“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”
A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”
“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said:
“My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
Frank came into work late
A cab passenger taps the driver
On the first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.
One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”
“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”
A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”
“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said:
“My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
Frank came into work late
A cab passenger taps the driver
28.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office.
My outraged boss fires me
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing
I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office.
My outraged boss fires me
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing
I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
29.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in make love.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
There were five people aboard an airplane
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in make love.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
There were five people aboard an airplane
The bartender asks the guy sitting
30.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
Tags:
Eng Jokes
