The Ultimate List of Jokes That Never Get Old 05

1.



Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train.
Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army.
And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A lawyer is talking to his client

2.



A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks.
“One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.”
“What do you mean by that?” asked one inquisitive visitor.
“When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.”
“On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?”
The farmer flashed a smile and answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”
This man drunk walks into a bar
A man was sitting alone in his office

3.



After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the attractive girl at the end of the bar.
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!”
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table, redfaced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.
I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.”
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “What do you mean $200 for a BJ?”
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family

4.



Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick:
They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin.
The story went round the whole province.
Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one.
Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said:
‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one.
That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’
‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are.
You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick.
“There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact, you’re being really clever.’
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar

5.



A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having lovemaking.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, “I finally did it! I’m no longer a pure.”
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your privates to me?”
“Well,” the girl explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my purity.”
Astounded, the guy replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the girl says.
“I just got sick of waiting.”
A man and his wife were in restaurant
A mother was reading a book

6.



A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors

7.



A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman.
After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t be home.
I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no push back. Those are my rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be make love here whether you’re home or not.”
A elderly couple was attending church
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother

8.



Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples arrived there.
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive.
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
A Priest was being honored
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret

9.



A woman had twin boys
Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption.
She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them.
Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain.
Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her.
She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain!
Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt.
Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year.
She still got to see her son from Spain, though.
So her husband tried to console her, saying “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”
A woman goes into a store
So my mom decided to sell her house

10.



Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants too.
Then he sent me to the principal’s office and when the principal asked me why I was there, I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants.
So he suspended me.
His mother said skeptically, “For telling a joke?”
The boy said no ma’am, for starting shit.
Gifts to grandpa
Two old farmers are talking

11.



A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said,
“I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Did anything happen today
Dylan was practicing his golf swing

12.



A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked her.”
He inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?” The man answered.
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied. “Get in line.”
The doctor said to the elderly man
A elderly man went to a doctor

13.



A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother

14.



My general was making so damn angry by giving me extra work.
So i started thinking of a way to get back at him. So i went around to all the people thank were a higher rank than me and asked them to follow me and if they would sign my release papers.
They all said hell no because i was only in the army for a year.
And so i went up to the general and asked him to follow me. He did and i led him around all of the officers.
They all glared at him, and were writing things down.
And thats how i got a different general, but not out of the army.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls

15.



An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor

16.



Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man

17.



A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man walks into a bar orders a drink

18.



A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette

19.



A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home

20.



A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one-day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Two young lovers go up to the mountains

21.



Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat

22.



A Samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a Zen monk to ask him for his advice.
When the monk had finished his prayers, the Samurai asked,
Why do I feel so inferior? I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak.
“Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.”
Wait once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.
The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice.
He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.
At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded: Now can you teach me?
The master invited him in and lead him to his room.
The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.
Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.
“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.”
“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?”
The monks were allowed to speak
Dove And Ant

23.



One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom

24.



Frank and John left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
John, the passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”
Frank, the driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
John rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
John handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the Frank, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later we calmed down and started laughing again.
Frank said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” John yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
John threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
We were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying’ to forget what we had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” John rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A wife asked a question to her husband

25.



James is alone in the bedroom when his beautiful wife opens the door and walks in.
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my shirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my corset.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my skirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take of my stockings.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my undergarment.”
“James!” she screams,
“And Don’t ever wear my bang clothes again!”
Confession booth
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass

26.



Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.
“He’s a magician,” said the small boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?
“Sawing people in half.”
“Really? Now, next question any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters.”
A old hunter of foxes
A Raven & A Swan

27.



An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital

28.



Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns

29.



A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”
“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.
“But I want it my way,” says the man.
“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.
The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says.
“I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.
“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
A man walks into a bar already drunk
The math teacher was giving a lesson

30.



A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge