1.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has scr*wed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place,
Since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks,
He takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper:
“Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back:
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather:
“He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper’s temple, roosters it up and says:
“Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the underling:
“He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The book-keeper signs back:
“OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the lawyer:
“Well, what’d he say?”
The lawyer replies:
“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.!!”
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has scr*wed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place,
Since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks,
He takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper:
“Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back:
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather:
“He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper’s temple, roosters it up and says:
“Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the underling:
“He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The book-keeper signs back:
“OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the lawyer:
“Well, what’d he say?”
The lawyer replies:
“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.!!”
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
2.
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
3.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
4.
A gentleman enters a restaurant and asks the waitress what was on special.
She replied, “Today we have lobster tales for 50 cents.”
He said, “I’ll take a dozen!”
She told him since it was a special he would have to pay in advance which he did.
Then she said, “Are you ready for your first tale?”
He assured her he couldn’t wait.
Then she began… “Once upon a time there was this little lobster.”
A family sat down for dinner
A drunk stumbled out the door
A gentleman enters a restaurant and asks the waitress what was on special.
She replied, “Today we have lobster tales for 50 cents.”
He said, “I’ll take a dozen!”
She told him since it was a special he would have to pay in advance which he did.
Then she said, “Are you ready for your first tale?”
He assured her he couldn’t wait.
Then she began… “Once upon a time there was this little lobster.”
A family sat down for dinner
A drunk stumbled out the door
5.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
6.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,…
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her fronts, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.
Three friends who were lost in the forest
Adam was talking to his friend
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,…
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her fronts, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.
Three friends who were lost in the forest
Adam was talking to his friend
7.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke.
“Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
The cruise ship was sinking
She need better laundry detergent
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke.
“Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
The cruise ship was sinking
She need better laundry detergent
8.
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
9.
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head.’
The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice,
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you.
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger.”
The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.”
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head.’
The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice,
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you.
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger.”
The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.”
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
10.
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
11.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her monthlies for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take responsibility for my actions
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.’
Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…
“You root her again.”
The mother came on her little son
A married couple went to the hospital
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her monthlies for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take responsibility for my actions
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.’
Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…
“You root her again.”
The mother came on her little son
A married couple went to the hospital
12.
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
13.
They each say excuse me and the young man says, “I’m sorry I bumped into you, it’s just that I’m looking for my wife.”
I lost her somewhere in another aisle.
The old man says, “I am also looking for my wife let’s help each other tell me what does your wife look like?”
The young man replies, “She’s a buxom blonde, 25 years old, has long legs and is wearing a short skirt.
Now tell me what does your wife look like?”
The old man replies, “Who? Oh, right never-mind that, let’s go look for your wife!”
A Wild Boar & Fox
Bidding at a local auction
They each say excuse me and the young man says, “I’m sorry I bumped into you, it’s just that I’m looking for my wife.”
I lost her somewhere in another aisle.
The old man says, “I am also looking for my wife let’s help each other tell me what does your wife look like?”
The young man replies, “She’s a buxom blonde, 25 years old, has long legs and is wearing a short skirt.
Now tell me what does your wife look like?”
The old man replies, “Who? Oh, right never-mind that, let’s go look for your wife!”
A Wild Boar & Fox
Bidding at a local auction
14.
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
15.
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
16.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
17.
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops
18.
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup.
“Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.”
“For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?”
“No” Sam replied.
“Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?”
“No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.”
“How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?”
A doctor remarked on his patients
A terrible motorcycle accident
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup.
“Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.”
“For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?”
“No” Sam replied.
“Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?”
“No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.”
“How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?”
A doctor remarked on his patients
A terrible motorcycle accident
19.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
He walked into the kitchen
Lisa came up behind her husband
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
He walked into the kitchen
Lisa came up behind her husband
20.
A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately.
The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
“Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said.
“Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said.
“Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”
A man visited the doctor
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately.
The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
“Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said.
“Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said.
“Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”
A man visited the doctor
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
21.
The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectal dis tender.”
“A what? A rectal dis tender? And what is that, exactly?”
“Well, you see, I start by putting a finger in, then another, then I work up to three fingers, four fingers, until the whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly but surely I extend the rectum, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And what the hell do you do with a 6 feet as…?”
“Give him a speed gun and put him by the side of the road.”
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A General stepped out taking
The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectal dis tender.”
“A what? A rectal dis tender? And what is that, exactly?”
“Well, you see, I start by putting a finger in, then another, then I work up to three fingers, four fingers, until the whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly but surely I extend the rectum, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And what the hell do you do with a 6 feet as…?”
“Give him a speed gun and put him by the side of the road.”
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A General stepped out taking
22.
Haggard and tired Fred returns home from a long day of golf with his golf buddies.
Fred’s wife greets him at the door and seeing his condition exclaims, “Honey, you look awful, how was your game?”
Heaving a sigh, Fred replies, “Worst game of golf I’ve ever played.”
His wife asked what happened.
He went on to explain, “Charlie had a heart attack and dropped dead on the first tee.”
“Oh, that’s just terrible,” his wife exclaimed.
“It WAS terrible,” Fred replied.
“All day long it was: Hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
You Are All The Same
A duck walks into a general store
Haggard and tired Fred returns home from a long day of golf with his golf buddies.
Fred’s wife greets him at the door and seeing his condition exclaims, “Honey, you look awful, how was your game?”
Heaving a sigh, Fred replies, “Worst game of golf I’ve ever played.”
His wife asked what happened.
He went on to explain, “Charlie had a heart attack and dropped dead on the first tee.”
“Oh, that’s just terrible,” his wife exclaimed.
“It WAS terrible,” Fred replied.
“All day long it was: Hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
You Are All The Same
A duck walks into a general store
23.
A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
24.
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
25.
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
26.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
27.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
28.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
John was the cop in a small town
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
John was the cop in a small town
29.
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
30.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
Tags:
Eng Jokes
