1.
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.Finally his
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.Finally his
2.
He starts dialing numbers on his hand, like a telephone, and talking into his hand.The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.The guy says, “You don't understandI'm very hi-techI had a pho
He starts dialing numbers on his hand, like a telephone, and talking into his hand.The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.The guy says, “You don't understandI'm very hi-techI had a pho
3.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girlsI told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily.Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for homeJust as I got in the doo
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girlsI told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily.Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for homeJust as I got in the doo
4.
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
5.
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.“No,” said Mike, “But I probably shouldDo you know a good doctor?”Pat gave him the name of his own doctor
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.“No,” said Mike, “But I probably shouldDo you know a good doctor?”Pat gave him the name of his own doctor
6.
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinnedLast week I was with seven di
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinnedLast week I was with seven di
7.
… complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.The first old man said, “I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble.”The seco
… complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.The first old man said, “I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble.”The seco
8.
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because of the engine issues we will be arriv
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because of the engine issues we will be arriv
9.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for adviceThe doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thi
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for adviceThe doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thi
10.
A 6 year-old boy was in the market with his 4 year-old sister. Suddenly the boy found that his sister was lagging behind.
He stopped and looked back. His sister was standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest.
The
A 6 year-old boy was in the market with his 4 year-old sister. Suddenly the boy found that his sister was lagging behind.
He stopped and looked back. His sister was standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest.
The
11.
… the prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.He walked up to her and asked, “MrsWilliams, do you know who I am?”She answered, “Of course I know who you are, MrRawley. I've known you since you were a little boy, and honestly
… the prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.He walked up to her and asked, “MrsWilliams, do you know who I am?”She answered, “Of course I know who you are, MrRawley. I've known you since you were a little boy, and honestly
12.
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
“If the people don
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
“If the people don
13.
This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep th
This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep th
14.
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. “
The second says, ” That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his comp
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. “
The second says, ” That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his comp
15.
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.A few days before the group's annual departure date, John's new wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't allowed to go.John's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.A few days before the group's annual departure date, John's new wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't allowed to go.John's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what
16.
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a packageWhat food might this contain? The mouse wondered – he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “Th
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a packageWhat food might this contain? The mouse wondered – he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “Th
17.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,“If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks,“Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,“If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks,“Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like
18.
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.When they get there, StPeter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!”So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the placeIt is almost impossible
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.When they get there, StPeter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!”So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the placeIt is almost impossible
19.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview themOn the appointed day, the inspector turned
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview themOn the appointed day, the inspector turned
20.
A couple of guys from West Virginia are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his headThe other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, “Bubb
A couple of guys from West Virginia are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his headThe other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, “Bubb
21.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”To that she replies “Well, come here an
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”To that she replies “Well, come here an
22.
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail timeI want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of d
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail timeI want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of d
23.
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought before a judge by a man to whom he owed some money.The creditor said to the judge:“This man owes me 500 dinars which are long overdue.I request your excellency to order him to pay me immediately, without further delay.”“I
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought before a judge by a man to whom he owed some money.The creditor said to the judge:“This man owes me 500 dinars which are long overdue.I request your excellency to order him to pay me immediately, without further delay.”“I
24.
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and th
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and th
25.
A plane crashesThe only survivor is a flight attendant.She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavage.She sees smoke nearby and a rives to see a man cooking some meat.Where are you
A plane crashesThe only survivor is a flight attendant.She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavage.She sees smoke nearby and a rives to see a man cooking some meat.Where are you
26.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.aint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdo
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.aint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdo
27.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
28.
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claimThis was the response:“I put ‘poor planning' as the cause of my accidentI am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.When I
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claimThis was the response:“I put ‘poor planning' as the cause of my accidentI am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.When I
29.
One day a lion was sleeping in front of its cave.At that time a little mouse playing nearby by chance ran over the lion's body.Lion woke with very angry and start searching for who disturbed the sleep.He found the little mouse nearby and said, “How dare y
One day a lion was sleeping in front of its cave.At that time a little mouse playing nearby by chance ran over the lion's body.Lion woke with very angry and start searching for who disturbed the sleep.He found the little mouse nearby and said, “How dare y
30.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The general replied “1956, ma’am.”
The woman, in disbelief said “1956?!
That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.”
The woman and general went back t
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The general replied “1956, ma’am.”
The woman, in disbelief said “1956?!
That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.”
The woman and general went back t
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